Raven's nest...

All good things must come to an end?

2008-05-13T15:20:00.003-04:00

During the past few weeks I have been searching for a curriculum to complement the one we are using now; plus also one for Lavagirl since I was considering of homeschooling her too. I had found very good and affordable options but I had forgotten one part of my equation: what will I do with the kids while I work either the morning or the afternoon? During the last few days my mother and father -in -law have, well, started to complain ( which is the best that they do) about our homeschooling ways and how it may be against the law..etc,etc. They simply dont and wont understand it or see any benefits whatsoever...In fact the few hours that Bb is or has been there are a huge setback...so I have to decide to either not work anymore or find a school suitable for BB and Lavagirl...For her I know its easy, but for BB...thats a whole different story.
In fact I have been to 4 schools, private of course, and I have gotten a loud and clear NO. Plus I have gone to another 2 and I was the one that declined, since the atmosphere and curriculum werent what I was looking for. I have thought of the public system but it hasnt changed much, they lack a lot of commitment and resources and I am not in the best mood to start making complaints and requests. Besides that Bb disconects very easily in loud settings, needs certain direction to keep on task, has fine motor deficiencies which make writting tasks very dificult or might lead to anxiety build up that end up in very, very bad day...Or so it has happened before...
So, yes, as of now I am very, very picky. Investing time or possibly loosing working hours in the public system is not what I am looking for...And a private setting has to meet certain conditions to invest the huge $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ that they ask in payment.
Today I went with BB to an interview in a christian school, that promoted they were able to work with special needs students with Autism and ADHD in a 1to 8 ratio. That, in its own, sounds marvelous but I couldnt beleive that it was actually real or even possible. The school is really small and they work using " lecas" so the curriculum is mostly workbooks ( as most homeschool programs). The student works on its own in a small desk, at his own pace with one teacher to provide assistance as he/she might need. The whole curriculum is in English except of the Spanish class that is given in a lab; but a huge plus is that the curriculum is computarized, if he was able to bring in a laptop he would be able to use it. If he cant have the laptop, they would provide certain help so that he isnt penalized for incomplete assigments or jobs. One great thing of all the interview was that the director tried to establish a good relationship with BB and tried to make the experience pleasant for him. She made him feel welcome and introduced him to the teachers and possible classmates so that he wouldnt feel so stressed and tried on the way to get to know him. Also I was able to walk around the classes and look at the materials and different areas...Overall it all seemed very good, at the end I encountered other parents of autistic kids that were very grateful with the school and very happy of their experience there.
Mmmm......Bb seemed ok, he even said that he liked the director and that he thought that he could study there. So, now what do I do? Should I adventure in an unknown path investing what I dont have in the hopes that they might help and that he could keep on? Or should I simply stay at home with both of them and try to do best with the resources I have now? I could even be more adventurous deciding to simply fly off to the states and look for better options there...
When I decided to homeschool I was sure this was only temporary and that eventually he might be able to go back as I felt that I was not prepared for junior or high school material, but as time has gone by I wonder if going back should be an option at all. I had already made plans that seemed very good and with great future for him, they were only different. Why different has to so hard to understand? Why do we have to follow the crowd to achieve something? Why people have to be so narrow minded and blind with how things should be?
In all this I do have to accept that I have to get him away from his grandparents, since they dont do anything to help but they do critizise so much that dont allow him to work as he could. This situation in turn make him wander off and forget his schedule for class...So staying there is a no win situation...I will make an in depth financial analisys of the costs to decide what choice might be best.

Back for more...

2008-04-27T15:54:00.003-04:00

Time has gone so fast that I cant beleive its almost summer. At the begining of the year things didnt look so good, but as time went by everything seemed to start to fall into place. BB has kept his pace with homeschooling, improved greatly in his handwritting and enriched his vocabulary greatly. Some have seen an improvement in his communication skills but mostly in English; since in Spanish he has kept the low monotone of unexpresiveness. Lavagirl accepted the new school enviroment, although I am fully aware that it has been a lost year, academically speaking. I know she didnt learn anything new except for the freedom of recess and of her freewill to do or not do what she wants. I am considering to also homeschool her, since doing all the trips and waiting create more problems and expenses plus the enviroment/unstability of the school system add to the equation.

I had been unemployed for many months now, due to not finding a job and because of homeschooling BB. But since our economic situation is getting harder I started job hunting to try to improve it and to be able to purchase new homeschooling materials. With only one income it is virtually impossible to acquire a new curriculum or a laptop. But out of the blue I found a nice part time that might help and hopefully we will be able to either purchase the curriculum or enroll in a long distance school and upgrade to a laptop for easier usage.
The lasts few weeks have been a little hectic trying to find a balance for the homeschooling and the traveling issues...Being without a car is really a problem, specially with irregular working hours. Until now we have managed but I dont know what we will be able to do, since my car is still in repair ( plus it needs the marbete) and the one that is loaned its marbete expires April 30 :(.......Everything is money, $$$$$$$$$ plus I have to pay my students loan starting next week....MORE $$$$$$$$!!
Oh well, the only plan I can think of is either carpooling some of the days with my Mom, others with her husband and the days I am off simply stay at home and let Dad take care of Lavagirl at school. Besides the school is almost over, so he would not have to go there for the next 2 months and I do hope that for June everything is fixed since the long waited summercamp starts. Then I would really need to have my own wheels since the summercamp starts at 7 and my Mom cant take them since she is on vacation; I do hope that she would take them the days that I cant...Lets see what happens.

Winds of change

2008-03-05T14:19:00.002-04:00

Both the old and new year brought many changes, some very unexpected...others, well they were bound to happen and nothing could be done. For some of those changes I could say I was prepared but for most of the others it has been a loong way to go through..in some aspects it still is. Even though there are moments when I realize there are others that face greater and harder decisions and challenges compared to what I have to handle, but still sometimes it feels overwhelming.

War of the worlds

2007-10-23T09:12:00.000-04:00

Lavagirl has been in the same school for the last 3 years. Unlike Beastboy I wanted her to have a good experience and didnt plan to make changes in her school enviroment, that is, until last year. Beastboy went to the same school with no success, having had a rough experience I wondered if I should take her out and move her to another school. At the time I decided not to since she seemed to be really comfortable and happy and so she stayed for another year. During that time we were investigated by goverment agency suposedly for neglect in their care; it all turned out to be a false accusation but the process is really not so great. I have always wondered who made the call, and suspected the school but had no way of finding out. This last thursday I got my answer. The school again called Social Services but added the bonus of calling the Police.

If the previous experience was bad, this one was has no words to describe it. I dont want to say much about it since it needs to be left behind, but like the previous one turned to be a false accusation with no reason to be. They nicely explained that it was clearly a misunderstanding and a lack of communication from the school administration...During the process we consulted 2 laywers, both agreed that this seemed to be an standard procedure of the school and that it shouldnt happen again. Something should be done to secure that not only to us but to any other family. Both the investigators and lawyers wondered what had we done to them that we were the focus of their accusations. I still wonder the same thing.

They all agreeded that I shouldnt remove her inmediately but she shouldnt stay there for the whole year. The problem would be where to place her and when to do the change...As of today I havent been able to find a school with any opening, private or public...I hate to take her to school and wonder what they would come up next, plus leaving her crying everyday because she understands that she was "arrested" because something she did at school...It is a paradox, because she also cries when the subject of a new school comes up and thinking of a new enviroment and kids...
But in between all this mixed up feelings, I have to find a way of to pull their strings and declare war to an institution that loves to play with peoples security and enviroment. I have been searching around and I am not the first to experience this trhough their hands but I would love to be the last.

Its a small world!

2007-10-17T09:29:00.000-04:00

These past weeks have been very hard with many ups and downs. But looking back, I have to say there has been a lot of improvements and many things achieved. First Bb finally has made a routine in his schoolwork, I guess in part because the topics are what he is interested now: solar system, weather and myths. One great achievement, that I didnt expect, was a composition he wrote for a lego contest. He saw the ad and wanted to participate, he spent an hour or so building his ship and even took the picture. After he was done he asked me to help in the composition but I told him to write down his ideas and then we would review them. The next day he had written almost 40 words with a clear idea and perfect handwritting!!!! I was more than amazed with what was written and with the neatness it was done. To say the least I was speachless.

Another great thing was that he was able to tie his soccer shoes without any guidance...its been many years of practice and frustrations and finally!!! I am glad he has mastered the process even if he still has issues with the thightness its simply one step up. On a downside his music lessons arent improving much, even if he is practicing now more than he used to. I know he comes out of the band very overstimulated and he feels lost sometimes...I dont know what can be done so this changes a little, the director told me has missed many assigments and I explained that he has never mentioned he has any, had I know I would have made sure that he would hand them in. He said he understood and that he would try to find a solution to this. Lets see what he comes up with. Also in karate he is very lost and constantly tired ( at least thast what he says) and the sensei is too soft with him. The sensei allows him to sit and drink water whenever and that shouldnt be so. He has to learn to wait and accept rules and in that the sensei is failing...why I have no idea.

As an opposite the soccer coach is constantly punishing Bb for not following rules and for being distracted. All this time I have stood silent because Bb didnt want me to tell anyone anything, plus I didnt want him to get any special treatment as in karate. But yesterday was too much, the only name that was heard all over was Bb's and he had to run 3 times around the whole park ( which he wasnt doing). At the end of the practice I approached the coach when I told him I was Bb's mom he automatically said: well I cant let him do whatever he wants". I told him that was perfect, that I agreed with him but that I wanted him to know that his distraction and his lack of contact were due to his autism and that when general instructions were given he usually was lost. Which meant the would need direct guidance and patience since he had never played sports before and that I only wanted a little patience and a handfull of guidence without any privileges. To my surprise he muttered: Thanks for letting me know I too have a kid with autism". Instantly I told him that I was happy because at least he understood and knew what I was referring to and proceeded to ask the age of his child. He said his kid was 2 and a half...Wow...he was just starting the journey...I only could say I am glad you got him dx so early because you are starting early and have a huge window of opportunities ahead...Now theres a lot of hope for recovery and a great life for them. He thanked me for the hope and assured that he would try and hel Bb too.

Its a really small world after all...or autism is turning to be the epidemic the doctors and pharmaceuticals dont want anyone to know about. This year the average prevalence of autism has lowered to 1 in 120....Next month is Autism Awareness month and theres going to be an activity in the Pabellon de la Paz, San Juan on November 11. Everyone with a child in the autism spectrum or neighbor, specialist is invited. The goal is to raise more awareness that this is biologically treatable and not simply a mental illness...As if I had any free time I volunteered to answer the Alianza hot line thinking it would be mostly for info of the upcoming event. Sadly many people are calling asking for help, treatments, evaluations and dx...From everywhere in the island mothers are looking for support and info and most dont have any sort of access to the internet. Hopefully the Alianza someday would have an office that could provide orientation services and provide the necesary information to parents.

Lavagirl has been very busy too...From having the worst flu ever to doing rehersals 3 times a week plus her liberating soccer she is one busy gal!! Today is the picture session at the dance academy with her tutu, hope that goes well. I do hope to arrive on time but it all depends on what time my mom comes out of her meeting since my car is on sick leave until who knows when. Because of this BB and Lavagirls dad is on taxi mode, so he is responsible for the trips to music and karate today. Tomorrow we have to take Puppy to the vet since he seems to have some ear infection or an allergy reaction to flea meds the doc should let us know. How will I get there I have no idea since tomorrow my husband has to take his Dad to San Juan for an operation and my mom has restrictions on her car so...There shall be a way...

2007-09-19T08:48:00.000-04:00

I have to share this video, it changes our perspective of life. Constantly we complain of the dificulties or problems but compared to his everyday challenges we have NOTHING to worry about. Please watch it completely!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvZ4GX5BUX4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fgroups%2Eyahoo%2Ecom%2Fgroup%2FCasaEscuela%5FPuertoRico%2Fmessage%2F5322

Sensory Integration

2007-09-11T11:40:00.000-04:00

I have been looking for more info regarding the different therapies available; here are some useful links:

http://autism.healingthresholds.com/therapy/sensory-integration

http://www.comeunity.com/disability/sensory_integration/a-day.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_integration_disorder

Coffee anyone?

2007-09-06T13:44:00.000-04:00

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got to talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university Professor, now retired. During their visit, conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite.......telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said, 'Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, NOT the cup, but consciously went for the best cups... and then you began eying each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life. The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of Life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us. The happiest people do not have the best of everything. They just MAKE the best of everything. GOD BREWS THE COFFEE, not the cups... Enjoy your coffee! Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Spend time with God over your coffee.

Go, Beastboy,GO!!!!

2007-09-05T09:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the first day of soccer practice and we went to see how that worked. I was really surprised with the welcome Bb received, it is the first time that he wasnt asked how much he knew about the sport or how well he played. Simply they started their class and practice, for two hours he was running in mud, trying to kick balls with either the head or legs and he had FUN!! For that time I didnt hear a single complain or fear or anxiety; for me it was perfect. My only concern is that he came with some back pain, maybe at the end of the week I will have it checked.

Starfire didnt took the class because she had said that she didnt want to...But as we waited there and saw all the kids having fun in the mud she wanted to go in. She made her mind up a little late, as the class was ending, but that didnt stop her from getting in the mud. For Friday Iwill make sure she goes in quickly to see if she is up to the task. As of now she is getting a little pressure from her dance teacher, since she received a front row spot for the show. The teacher asked us to help her focus since she dances well, but gets distracted by looking at the other girls. Even if she knows the routine she still looks to others for assurance; the teacher hopes that by making her a leader she will get into the dance and shine!!

I managed to get some $$ for the dance shoes she needed, so maybe in the next few days they will arrive and get her into the dancing/ballerina mode! Talking about the greens...I am considering getting a fundraiser program so that I can easily get the money necessary for the therapies we are considering; approximately $2,300. The goal would be to get all that for January, which is a more reasonal time limit, but I really wish it could be sooner.

The alternative methods we are considering are: Tomatis, craneosacral and neurological organizational therapy. Here are some links to info:

http://www.iahe.com/html/therapies/cst.jsp
http://www.healing-arts.org/children/craniosacral.htm#wethink
http://www.tomatis.com/English/index.htm
http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/psychology/health_psychology/TOMATIS.html

2007-08-28T12:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday as we came back from the band class I had an interesting conversation with Bb...I have been trying to figure his learning preferences; not only about the areas that might interest him but also how he could learn them. He explained that before ( previous schools) he thought that what was talked in school wasnt to learn it but simply to hear it and forget it. Also he said that he used to ignore the teachers because they talked boring, meaning that their tone was boring and he couldnt focus on what they were saying. Interestingly enough he remembers his 3rd grade teacher vividly because she explained things in ways he could understand them. when asked what those ways were he simply said he couldnt talk about it...that maybe later he could.
I know he process information better if he listens to it instead of simply reading it; which makes hard to find activities in certain subjects because many things revolve around reading. I have been looking for graphic novels to try and lessen the level of anxiety toward reading assigments, but age apropiate novels are hard to find. In the meantime I will be using some of my old comic books and hope he enjoys the ride.
Starfire still has her eating issues, I have another appointment to try to reach a happy medium over the matter. This issue is a simple example of how we have allowed our system to take over or control every aspect of our lives. The schools seem to beleive that parents are completely uncapable of educating their children or even worse, their view is the only right way to raise a child. They are easily forgetting that every parent has the right to educate as he/she understand is the best way.

Keep on adding...

2007-08-27T09:42:00.000-04:00

Recently I had a "discussion" where it was addressed that both Starfire and Beastboy where into too many things and maybe they needed to drop some...In some ways it may be true, as I feel really tired sometimes from the travelings..but it all seems really worth it. This year with the band addition, Bb seems more into the music as he is totally responsible for the learning and has no one to ask for help. With her upcoming show Star is really looking foward to the rehersals and getting her costumes. Plus they are both getting the hang of the karate lessons and are practicing more and with each other! YAY!!!!!

Since all they are doing isnt enough, I received an offer for art lessons on Saturdays. At first I was reluctant of going, but after talking to a homeschooler mom, I realized that I had nothing to loose. What made me go was that the person was very flexible and was willing to work on the amount of time we had available plus she will take the class from what the kids were capable of doing. And after the first try it was exactly as they had said. The teacher played with their abilities and with a lot of patience got beautiful things done by them. I was really surprised of the work they both made but specially from Bb, because he hates paiting and thinks he is a lousy artist. The level of confidence and admiration he felt for his own work was amazing, he was at the same time surprise that he was able to do the drawing. Star made a beautiful orange, since she loves to paint and draw. I was really, really amazed! They came out of class really happy and asking when they would come back for the next one...a very surprising comment from Bb. So, officially we have added this new trip to our schedule...Later on I will try to post the drawings.

While at the class I realized that he still needs to work on his listening and following abilities. He acted quickly without waiting for the instructions, he easily forgot what he had to do or what was the task. But with quick repetitions and small amounts of instructions he easily kept working. I sure hope that this new adventure helps in those areas too, we are doing mostly activities that would help his attention span and focus so that later on we can move to working more independently.

I do have to mention, that Star is driving me insane with a problem at school. Apparently the school acquired the services from DE for lunch and they are making the kids eat the food. The administration gave orders to the teachers that the children arent allowed to eat from their lunchboxes so they learn to eat healthier...I do understand that they have to expand their eating habits but to what extent? Star cries every morning because she doesnt like the food served and she isnt allowed to eat what she brought. Everyday after I pick her up she eats desperately all I put in, isnt this insane? She is a good student, gives no problems then WHY they must make her go through all this?????????? I sent her to the school to learn to read, write, learn math, science and a little of religion. I do not send her to learn to eat healthy, I beleive that part at least should be left to the parents. If cant reach an agreement with the principal I dont know what I would do....Unless I somehow teach her to sneek things out of her lunchbox until a better idea pops up. I have been researching to move her out of that school, but everything else is really out of my budget..I could try to homeschool her too, but I am not so ready yet. I had thought of it for next year not next month. I sure hope that the principal has an open mind over the matter.

2007-08-21T10:28:00.000-04:00

Summer ended not quite as I had expected...But there were many lessons learned that will define the events to come...

Now in August the neverending journey of school started again. For Lavagirl means same school, a new teacher and classroom but the same inmense workload. She seems happy with the changes although a little overwhelmed with the work. Besides that, she will have her first dance recital in November!!!!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! She is extremely happy with the routines and looks foward to every class. But the adventure of the show is going to be interesting, since they are asking for sales in ads and tickets aside from the clothes and shoes...I am gratefull that her Aunt is helping with the expenses because she has 4 dances = 4 dresses =$$$$$$. Hope it turns out for the best!!

Sharkboy started in Music school with the bonus of starting in the school band. Beside his regular class he has to go 2 times for rehersals and do presentations and shows during the semester. Also he rejoined the karatedo with hopes to earn his orange belt and a trip to a competition in Florida. Also he will be evaluated for a sensory integration therapy to be taken 3 times a week and I am waiting for a Compu for his Ocupational and psy services to be rescheduled again. Hopefully those I 'll be able to get them in the mornings so his schedule isnt changed. If those therapies dont show improvement I am starting a piggy bank towards Tomatis therapy, which targets the hearing sense and maybe craneosacral therapy. Both are really, really, really, really EXPENSIVE but they seem to be worth it. The results I have seen deserve the investment.

As far as the homeschooling goes it is much, much, much BETTER!!!!! I guess he is finally freeing himself of the old system and accepting the new opportunity. I do hope that this year we can join the activities of some homeschooler groups that are being organized; I wish I had time to go to all of them but maybe someday. For now we are looking forward to to El Yunque, Hacienda Buenaventura since these will be guided tours and get a spot in the Science Fair.

So theres a few things going on and I will definetively need to work at a gas station to cover for all the $$ that I will have to spend going from point A to B to go back to A to then go to C in one day...But they are happy and in to everything they are doing...What else could be asked for?

So...sh*t happens!

2007-07-17T10:15:00.000-04:00

So nothing has changed much..Still my lovely boss plans on opening longer hours, apparently thinking to chain me to my desk and with no raise or paying schedule on sight...As her plan seems to go she expects me to be chained to the office from 8 till 4 while she gets here around 9, leaves at 1 to pick her kids up and then comes back. Why do I complain??? Well out of nowwhere she was possessed by catholic spirit and she HAS to have her kids in a catholic school so they can grow in the faith; so she chose a catholic school that is in the middle of the next town. So it would take her at least 30 to 45 minutes to get there, knowing the traffic coming back would be an easy 60 minutes without taking into account the time it would take her to pick the girls, mingle and walk back to her car. While she goes tru this I have to stay at the office waiting...letting people know she would be back and my spirit would leave and pick my girl from her school and drive Sharkboy to his music classes....
She kept telling me that if things are to improve we have to work more, that longer hours will get us paid, still I wonder how? It will take some time before people get used to the change, then she has to get used to work with her banshees in the office ( people have to get used to them too) and in one hour she isnt going to solve all of her patients problems...I know the hours would or could easily extend to 6 or 7...I know people dont show at the office to see me, they get mad or desperate when they have to wait for the doc no matter how much they may need her...How that waiting time is going to help anyone? Plus she has no plans on making BIG SIGNS so her patiens would know of her changes, nor she has bought an answering machine that could help too, to pass on information.
For me the schedule changes my plans for next semester completely....I wouldnt be able to pick Lavagirl up, take her to dance classes, Sharkboy's music & karate class and practice would go kaput!...The things is I cant ask my husband to do the picking up because he gets out at 3:30 and his job is the only one that pays on time!! Had it not been for it..I dont know how or what I would do...So he cant ask to leave early, I mean he could but he would loose the hours and no one wants that. My mom in the other hand would be an option but she has meetings, usually unexpected, that last until 3:30 or 4...Then I could ask my father in law to do it but he has a lot of appointments and most likely would ask me to give him $$ for gas or complain constantly of how much gas and time he looses or invest in that...Plus I had planned to do the homeschooling from Tuesday to Thursday from 5:30 to 7 plus Friday....that would go to trash since I would be getting home at that time...

What a wonderful world, right?

I need to work something out...I know my people and I wont be getting any help whatsoever...I could manage some changes but they cant be permanent. But I am pretty sure that I cant work later than 3:30 to 4 some days. If she cant accept that, well I will officially be on vacation. I have thought of putting Lavagirl on a public school to minimize the expenses but the car trips will be more and I have a lot of insecurities towards the public schools...Going to another private setting as of now is a crazy idea because of the expenses...also I have thougth that I deserve to have some sort of lunch hour to do the things any normal human being does...Its insane to expect me to be in my desk for 8 hours plus without a real break and have a positive attitude towards work!!!! Even people that do have all the regular benefits hate their jobs imagine me as of now...I definetively love it! NOT!!

Enough of ranting and complaining...back to reality

The good of the bad

2007-07-10T10:28:00.000-04:00

Yep lately many things are going the wrong way...Or at least not the way that one expects them to go. For example my job, it is a lame, boring job but at least I got paid and managed to juggle all the stuff from Sharkboys schools and referrals...But lately insted of being better its going downhill: same amount of work, hours and no pay in sight until hopefully the end of the month. The really awesome part is that my boss plans on opening more hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE HELL???!!! Barely she is making ends meet and she plans on working more?? I had to draw the line there...I sincerely told her to find someone else if those were her plans...In the beggining when we were open until 6 she used to come in after 12 while I had to be here since 8....Its too draining and I have too much work at home to go back to that again..Although for the right amount of money I might consider it...But lets be realistic, things arent likely to improve so that I can get a raise and actually receive for some time.

As a good rat I have considered to leave the boat before it sinks...But a new job is not easy to find, less with the nice resume that I have...Plus it would mean a big change in my homeschooling schedule, I would rather not work at all for sometime. Then as things are here in our lovely island it isnt very wise to leave a job no matter how lousy it is...So might as well enjoy whatever is left of it or make the most of it....

On happier notes I managed to sell some of Sharkboys old books, the problem would be what to do with it...Either use it to survive or save it or gather the back to school/homeschooling materials...Choices, choices...Anyway I'll see if I can sell them all...

This month I am doing nothing with the kids, in terms of activities summer camps and the such. Simply we are enjoying the backyard, doing minor renovations; like finding a good gallon of RED paint and doing wonders with it...Finally the columpio is getting a facelift and hopefully if my experiment works I will have the tire up in the tree again and its going to be RED!!!! I had hoped to make some trips on July but due to the recent finances I am completely positive that I wont do them...But at least we will enjoy our dwellings to the max!!!!

End of summer..camp?

2007-06-27T12:08:00.000-04:00

For Lavagirl summercamp has been paradise; in fact she wants it to last forever! LOL!!! In contrast Sharkboy is saddened by it, and I do understand him. Against my intuition he ended up in the special group; the organizator had told me that they were in that category but that the activities will be done with the rest of the kids...That has never happened. He was eager ( even too anxious) to do the games and all the things but lately he would rather stay home. In his group he is the biggest, physically non impared boy; the other kids vary from autism to Down syndrome and cerebral palsy...As he says he always has to wait for them, they are very slow and he even found some disgusting. For that I was surprised that he would find them different ( even if it was in a bad way) because that shows that he is somehow aware of certain things..I used that to show him how others used to or even perceive him now with his behavior, and how he should always be consciuous of himself. But I decided not to send him back, because doing so would go against what I beleive is right for him.

Since the beggining I didnt want him to be in a contained classroom or separated form other kids...I wanted him to experience what other were and doing them in the same way...So, taking him to this segregated camp would be going back a million years in terms of special education services and laws...I had hoped that it would have been different but it was just a hope. I cant risk sending him to be stuck all day with teenagers that think he is just a rebel because he has no physical impairment. Maybe what really made my mind up was a comment made by one of the instructors regarding his participation in a trialo. When I picked him up he had a medal of 1st place, as I was congratulating him asking how he had done it the instructor came up saying that it was a special race done only with one other kid. "He ran with that little kid" moving her arms up as she said it...At the moment I just looked at her and walked away but it left a bad after taste. In a way it summarized their feelings, views towards Sharkboy and that was enough.
I dont regret having tried it but I will not repeat it in the same manner next year...

On Saturday Lavagirl will have her last show in Plaza del Caribe in Ponce after 3pm; then in November theres a bigger show done in Centro Cultural in Mayaguez. So will be traveling there to see how she does and hopefully this time I will make a video of it!!!

On a happier note I got the books for Spanish, still looking for Social studies, Science, Religion and Math...I am thinking on selling the old ones but if I dont find anything they might help a little...Lets see how that goes...Over and out

Neverending story?

2007-06-21T09:24:00.000-04:00

I have subscribed to over 7 support groups; of those only 3 are from Puerto Rico. From all I have learned a few things, shared tons of stuff and discovered that too many people are going trhough the same things ( or even worse ) that I go through with my son. I have spent the last year looking and not finding anything that might help, feeling hopeless, lost and with little to look for in his future. Most moms I read in the message boards are as drained as I am, struggling day by day, digging tru websites searching for that hint that might change everything for the better. In a way it helps to read all that because you know that you are not the only one with a kid so difficult, but at the same time it bothers a lot because no one has seem to find a way to help them improve their quality of life. And thats the scary thought, the notion that the story would never end and it would keep on as is for a long, long time.

I took a leap last year when I decided to do homeschooling. I am still not sure that I am doing it right, but I guess thats a feeling that would never go away. (By the way I am looking for used books for 5th grade, anyone out there knows of some let me know!!!!) By that I realized that meds and a regular school setting wouldnt help, I discovered that a hands on learning experience benefits him more and I came across sensory integration. It requires a lot of materials and time which implies money...Yes the green stuff, $$$$$...And if I added the Tomatis therapy ( nothing related to tomatos ), the psy, OT , speech I would definetively have to be a chairman somewhere to be able to do all he needs to burst out...Even the famous gluten, casein free diet its something that I want to go for and its more expensive than simply eating healthy...But I have tried the normal road before, therapies and meds without any success so its time to go the alternate road while I still have time to make a difference.

How will I do it? Who knows? I really dont know right now...Maybe I should do as a couple of parents that are selling botteled water at different shopping centers to gather enough money to do delfinotherapy...Yes, I know how it sounds but any therapy its good when doctors have no clue as what to do or offer. Even so I wouldnt consider it for my kid since I would like to something that would go to the apparent source of the problem: neurobiological. There are many theories but the main idea is that theres some for of deficiency in the inmune system that allows the body to absorb everything it receives and doesnt process it. The accumulation of all that the body is supposed to throw away is the supposed source for all the delays and behaviors. I will start with the suplements and then slowly move up in the food search to see which things I can include successfully. The only good thing now is that Sharkboy is willing to try the food so that he can be less anxious and afraid...
The alternatives are there, they are difficult but nothing is easy in life..Its all a matter of educating yourself and beleiving deeply that this is one option that may help or maybe the road to a better treatment and better life.

So far, so good

2007-06-20T14:02:00.000-04:00

The kids have survived a week at camp. One is overjoyed, the other is in a mix, sometimes liking it other hating it. But that I beleive happens because he misses the routine he has been having for the lasts 6 months, such a radical change had to upset him in some way. But besides that I have to say that I am happy with the results because both come home a little tired, willing to chill out and do their deeds.

Lets hope it keeps on like this...

Summer Camp!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

I went trough a lot of trouble to get my kids into a summer camp, reluctantly, I should say since I was afraid that they would either hate it or unable to take it. Today has been the second day, and to my surprise they are both really into the camp. Lavagirl surprised me the most since she went in crying the first day, but came out with a big smile and talking A LOT!!! Sharkboy really enjoyed it but still feels very anxious about the whole thing :( So much, that today the nurse called me to pick him up becase he complained of stomach pain and diarrea...As I took him to his grandmas I realized that he was very anxious, and relaxed as he approached the house...But he still complained about the pain, which makes me wonder if he might have some sort of problem with his vesicula or something related...I ll see if I can get that checked out...

But I am hoping that he might get the hang of the routine and hopefully enjoy it while it lasts...I am looking for things for him to do on July but the my area of reach is very narrow...I am looking forward to a program at the public library in Mayagüez, but I cant take him...I still havent found a victim to do the trip and wait for him...Another option would be swimming classes, still looking for that...Lavagirl is set for July, since I didnt knew that her scholarship covers the summer and she is able to go to their summer program...I might send her some days but not everyday, she might get tired of her school.

I do hope that the summer goes smoothly...

Is it the summer?

2007-06-07T10:45:00.000-04:00

Lately the heat has been horrible, so much that the whole family has stayed all afternoon and night enjoying the sweet, cold air conditioner...I dont want to see next's month energy bill...But it was a necessary thing, I dont think anyone would have been able to sleep anything had it not been for that...Which leads me to wonder if this cursed heat is the responsible for the weird behaviors or even comments that people do or say...In that I guess I should also include myself, since I have ( as the witch says) a natural ability to say certain things in a certain way that annoys the people I talk to...I know I have been more serious than the usual, even close to angry? but things have not been so good...and in no way have I been disrespectful or not provided a good service; the only problem would be that I have had a blank face and not willing to smile to other people's stupid remarks...
Adding to that a few weeks ago I had to bring my son to work, since I had no one to leave him with...Lavagirl stayed with her aunt because she was taking her and her cousin to the dance classes; which was the reason Sharkboy couldnt stay with them...As soon as my boss step in she trew a hard look and said that she had very clearly specified that he wasnt allowed to be at the office since all the patients were afraid of him and his behavior! If I had no one to leave him with I had to leave inmediately! Which I did...I was speachless...Then everyday she starts checking my arrival time, complaining that if I am not here at the hour I was giving her a bad image with the patients...WHAT????!!! ME?????!!! At first I agreed with her, but then I remembered all those times when patients are early and she shows up at 11 or 12 or those times when she calls at that time saying she wont show up....Is it my fault only??????????? I dont beleive it to be so..Interestingly enough, I have heard her say to patients that unless they talk directly to her, they cant assume that she knows that they have called or given info or that she is aware of their needs...As if when I give her messages doesnt count...or without looking at the file she would say that she beleives I havent send or faxed documents....when I have send them...Now she has been acting as if I am not here, asking only for minimum stuff or if she does ask its only by phone...I know I cant hide what I feel...I am upset, angry, bothered that she points out to me for all the flaws...but thats the main purpose of a boss. The only thing is that I would appreciate is that I would like her to inform me if she wants to change how things are or would be...Cause I can add ideas of my own...Starting by paying me weekly!!!!!! Giving me a lunch hour!!!!!!! Not allowing her kids to go in a rampage in the office cutting and destroying every piece of paper and then expect me to clean it as part of the office duties!!!!????
All this made me wonder if she wanted me to leave and she didnt dared to fire me...Just before the Sharkboy thing she talked to me about how wonderfull the states are and how much help he would get if we moved out...Because here everyone would keep on asking and expecting things from me instead of helping...As she would have to do, because the "office" is a great responsability and she needs a person that she can count on....Then she starts her complaints about how bad are the months to come, how little she will earn etc, etc, etc....Then she starts with the psycho attitude that she has to do everything in her own...Really????????.What can I think? I thought that I could quit....Leave before things get worse...But I have been doing my job...I cant afford to be without a job, at least not after christmas...So I have been searching, but nothing for now...Also I have thought that maybe her hormones are mixed since she lost a baby recently and her grandmother in the same week...
No matter what I have to wait quietly...Wait and see...Its a little weird and annoying but I have no other choice...I guess I better write a lot so I get the feelings out and keep on...I stayed longer in worst places, I can survive for a while...I only do hope that I might find the karma to balance this and Sharkboys panic attacks...The heat is subziding maybe the rest would too...

Shows and more shows....

2007-05-31T10:13:00.000-04:00

Lavagirl had her first dance presentation on May 12!! It was awesome!!!! She really loved it, felt as a star on show night! So much that she is looking foward to the next one on June in Mayaguez Mall and another at Plaza del Caribe... I dont regret in any way all the trouble and the expenses, for some it may seem unimportant but the joy of seeing her dance and smile makes it worth every penny and time!!

Her graduation, was on May 31, as expected it was an ok event. The school soesnt seem to know what a reharsal is...A lot of money was asked and to see so little done, well it pissed me off. But in the end Lavagirl enjoyed her night and was thrilled to know that school was finally over!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

I am as happy as her, a break from all the schools hassles is very much needed!

As far as homeschooling we will not take a break...We will do "summer school", in hopes to catch up for the time we have lost...Plus if things improve during june I migth get help drom a doc to create a program specialy designed for Sharkboy, in hopes to help him and improve his concentration and abilities to cope...

Just in case I was doing "school cleaning" this weekend and I was able to organize better my paperwork...Finally I found some information I had buried ( Yes I found the conference manual and the name of the guy!!) but between today and tomorrow I will have some catching up to do...I miss my readings and searches...I realized I miss my classes...who knows maybe soon enough I could go back? Wishfull thinking...

Anyway, so long for now...I will try to post pics from the graduation later...

Quien bien te quiere...te hará sufrir...

2007-05-10T14:38:00.000-04:00

Thats a saying usually used when someone loves another so much but instead of making life easier he or she makes it a living hell...out of caring and love. Yes, it doesnt sound right but that usually applies to parents, when they do or say things because they think its the best for their children without seeing that they are making life more difficult or stressfull...In my case my Dad is...well, open minded and he doesnt mess around my life unless I ask for any counseling or guidance...My Mom is sometimes like that, but there are days when she points out EVERYTHING I do wrong so I make it right...She usually forgets that sometimes I lack the time or will to do so...But I am not writting about them, no...its about my In-laws...

My Inlaws are like any other around...but with a twist. My mother in -law is...well...I would say completly stubborn, close minded woman I have come to know. She is always right, knows everything there is to know about life and raising kids...That has been her only job all her life; she never went to school ( cant read or write), being the oldest she took care of her brothers and sis and after marrying she took care of her kids and those of her sibblings...And then having so much experience she took care of my son Sharkboy...She has never accepted that he is on the spectrum, she never acknowledge anything that worried me as he was growing. She always kept commenting that I could kill him with the meds, now that I dont want to use the meds she says that I have to use them...Recently I have come to see her mood changes, she is physically healthy but her swings in mood worry me.

I have always tried to talk to her and explain what was going on and what the docs say we should do or what I have read but its like talking to a wall. She never listens...For her Sharkboy is possessed by the Devil...His tantrums and rages are the work of evil spirits and some day he will kill us all????????????????????? This is the same woman that cries when she doesnt see him and tells him that she loves him...HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???? For me it isnt logical to love someone and have so horrible thoughts about a child.....and not any child, your grandchild. What hopes can she have for him?

Today I received a call from Sharkboy...He said that his grandmother told him that "guapetones" are killed by other bad men with a huge knife while cowards where left alone...That if he kept his defiant attitude he will be killed one day. He, then asked me why did she say that and if that will happen to him...If he was a troublemaker? And the moment I was speachleess but told him not care about it, and tried to start a new conversation. I asked if his Dad had arrived and he said no, but that his aunt did. Sooo I tell him to go outside for a while and then go back to the computer so we could "talk" better about what had happened. Fifteen minutes later he arrives with his father histerical because Sharkboy told him what she had said and he asked her not say such things. She started screaming that Sharkboy is a chismoso, always making stuff up and telling others about it. Sharkboy was so scared to see her crying and screaming that he tried giving her a hug...But she pushed him away, screaming that she knows what she is doing and that she will never take care of him again! And beleive me she will not!!!!!!!

What is wrong with her? I have no idea...I could come up with a dozen hipothesis..but they would be meaningless and in a way useless...But its time to reorganize the plans that I had for my son...He can no longer stay with her...so the homeschooling seems to start crumbling down. I cant take him with me to work, since my boss gave an ultimatum if I did...What will I do with him now? During the summer he might go to a summer camp from 8-3 but its only until July 6...After that...what will I do? .......... Maybe my mom and granny might help but then when the school year starts...it would be a problem again.....I have two months to decide if I should push him back to public school or quit my job and stay with him at home....Or by a miracle find a job that would allow me to work from home so that things wouldnt be so stressfull...

2007-04-23T11:31:00.000-04:00

It has been one of the worst weekends. Theres a saying here: "El hombre propone y Dios dispone"; which means that you may plan but God has the last word on what you acomplish. Yes I know how it sounds but ever since Friday all that I had plan never came to be. For Friday I wanted to stay at home in the morning so I could do some work with Sharkboy; but I couldnt stay because my sister-in-law showed up with some problem with her car and I was the only one around to help. The time we spend together that morning proved one thing: how embarrased she is of her godchild! We made a stop at a store because I had to exchange a shirt Lavagirl needs for her dance class. While being there Sharkboy had one of his classical tantrums because, first, he needed to buy a toy and secondly because he wanted to go home. He did the usual crying, falling to the floor etc, etc...a tantrum. Most of the times I ignore the behavior, explain consequences and keep on with what I was doing. The interesting thing was that my sister in law tried to help me look for the shirt but whenever Sharkboy would get close or start his whailing she would make a dissapearing act. Finally she stayed out of the store...As always they stay far away hoping that it would go away...

After that I had planned to take the kitties and a puppy for vaccines at the vet. After having catched them and locking them in cages I went to pick up the books for music class. Then Sharkboy decided to pet them and forgot to close the door....So everybody hid...Lost an hour looking for them...I was so mad because the time lost looking for them made me late to pick Lavagirl up and obviously we couldnt make it to music class. So I headed back home looking for things to recycle because the scout meeting was at 6 and he had to bring some, had another fight because none of them wanted a bath and finally he said he wanted to stay home. I gave in, my migraine was so nice that I simply couldnt refuse the offer. Then I remembered a friend, who also has an autistic kid in the scouts, told me that one has to keep in mind that there are days when things cant get done and we should be happy if you want to live at all.

On Saturday I wanted to wake up early so I could do laundry before going to work but thanks to the meds I didnt. My husband decided to do it at his moms so half of it could get done at least. The only problem was that my in laws have the dexterity to tell him to do things and they have to be done inmediately if not they are like a mosquito lying around your ear at night. They always keep reqesting his help for everything and bug him if thing are not done; forgetting in the process that he has responsabilities at his home and with his kids. They had a huge fight over some things, the laundry never got done and I had a pissed man cursing all day through. Lovely, all thanks to the in laws...Gotta love them! Anyway, I got off work almost at 3:30 - 4:00 and decided to do window shopping for at least half hour. I needed to get my mind away, relax...getting home with a lot of tension doesnt help with the kid's anxiety...By 5 I picked up everyone and headed home realizing then that I had forgotten to take Lavagirl to dance class...

After dinner and failing attempts to do schoolwork the usual sesion of fears started....I have always wondered why he gets those feelings more or less at the same time...The thing is that the fear is of certain things or simply fear out of the feeling itself. Its really mind draining trying to help a kid through those feelings...one gets very, very tired and very, very easily upset when nothing works...I have even considered going back to medication but the side effects outweight the benefits. I have noticed that since quitting the meds certain behaviors are making a comeback...He loves to spin objects, he is doing the up and down walk, talks to himself, the noises he likes to make...He has a lot of sensory issues...He tries to stimulate himself by noise or movement, sometimes by touch but he mostly dislikes being touched...

I am mentioning this because 7 years ago docs would tell you that Autism was a mental illness...Opposed to know that it is a genetic disorder or a problem of the wiring of the brain...I remember that we tried to evaluate him with different specialist hoping that something physically wrong would show...but nothing did. It took me a while to accept that he had a mental illness...To hear it reversed now has conflicting feelings because one may wonder if I had pushed for more testing...had I gone to the states he wouldnt have had all those meds...he could have gotten a better treatment...

Last night Nick had a special program about autism....It was by far one of the best that I have seen, it presented some of the different types of autism from severe to high functioning. Plus it gave an insight to the stories of the families and what it is like. I was in awe seeing a kid with home therapists!!!!!!!! an Asperger kid with an aide only for his social problems!!! Here social problems are never adressed...It was very touching to see how the families have accepted their childs behavior and try to help them be as happy as any other kid. One of the brothers even said that he had finally gotten used to his brother's weird hand movements at the mall....It is like they said: We must not teach autistic kids to manage their behavior, we must teach them to manage ours.

Guess that is something I have to learn to do: love and accept him as he is, and not work towards changing him to our neurotypical ways...

Tracking data

2007-04-19T10:44:00.000-04:00

Yes, thats my homework for now. I have to find a way to keep track of Sharkboys behavior 24/7 in order to find anything that would be a trigger and to have an idea of how often it may happen. I am thinking of a web cam or a survaillance system, any ideas anyone?

His behavior has been erractic...He has had good and bad days...He has been willing to "cooperate" but his routine still doesnt include the main or most important things...I am trying to find a way for him to learn or find interesting the use of a planner. It would help him remember what he actually has to do, keep track of it plus learning the organizational skills. But until now I havent found anything that attracts him enough to use and that he doesnt loose. This weekend I will try again the picture calendar he had when he was little, he feels somehow embarrased by it, but I feel he needs the visual aspect. Obviously I will do one for Lavagirl too, still dont know how big or small but it will depend on the pics that I find. I am considering taking pictures of them doing the things...It would be even better, I will try to convince my sis to lend me her digital camera. Yes, I dont have one...Lets see what happens.

Yesterday I went to Borders and found like a journal but designed for boys. I was really surprised since I have never seen it before, mostly dairies are marketed for girls. But the best part was that it was on clearance!!!!!!! Sorry, but due to budget circunstances I do most of my browsing on those areas. Anyway I picked it up hoping it would promote the writting side of Sharkboy and it did!!!! He was very, very happy with it; even to the point of keeping it at his side at all times. One awesome thing was that he had been all week with his constant obssession with video games and POOFF!! it is gone!!! I am praying that it would last for many, many weeks to come.

My schedule this week has been a little off...I have been getting out of the office later than usual, so not much has been done. One good thing was seeing the Witch on Tuesday night, it has been quite a while since we had been able just to chat, ponder. It is sad to see that her dream house has become a nightmare. It is very tiresome and hard having to do so much repair with very little $$$$$$$$$$$. It seems to be like a curse: one may love to stay here in PR but living paycheck to paycheck is insane, so everyday the idea of loooking for another horizon to call home seems better and bettter. My kids always say they would love to see the snow, live in a new place...This year I am hoping ( and planning to do magic tricks ) to see if we could do our first vacation trip to Disney. Maybe then it would be a good time to browse and finally flip a coin.

2007-04-18T10:30:00.000-04:00

Still my goal to write everyday isnt acomplished...Maybe someday soon...Anyway, I finally went to the appointment with the psychologist. Of all that I have been to, he really knows the syndrome, the good, the bad and ways to handle the problem behaviors. But he was clear that those behaviors would always be there, that they are very, very hard to manage and to some extent we would have to let them flow as they are a natural? part of his behavior. In a way it may not sound so good, but at least it takes off my mind that little voice of "you arent a good parent" since his odd behaviors arent because I do as he pleases or that I dont punish him enough or I am not a strict parent. Also he direct me towards information and therapies that may help with the behaviors.

Two years ago I had heard about ABA ( Applied BEhavioral Analisys ) but it seemed targeted to addressing life skills in young children. Most of the info I found was targeted to 3 year olds or less, mainly for potty training and such which Sharkboy already had mastered ( he was 7 at the time) Somehow it didnt seem to be useful in older children. Apparently the approach has changed, since it seems to recollect info of the behavior and by using a reward/punishment system it extinguishes the behavior or promotes the desired one. The only tricky part to it is that the child has to be observed 24/7...

Recently I have found info regarding Sensory integration and Neurological Organization. I still need to research it more, but the main idea is that children in the spectrum have faulty nerve connections and by doing a series of excersises or a sensory diet one might teach the nerves to answer correctly to any stimuli and not go overboard. For example: one child might hide or cover his/her ears when a phone rings as if the sound hurt them. By doing those excersises the goal would be that the child can process the sound without reacting with fear or pain.

Both of these therapies sound wonderfull...What is not so great is the cost...A typical ABA program may range from 20 to 40 hours per week and that means a $ 1,000 to $3,000 investment. As always no health insurance covers it and the Department of Education isnt willing to pay for it either. In my case I cant afford even the evaluation, $700 -$ 850, but I will try to find books, seminars that teach about how to create it at home. At least its better than nothing.

To make matters more interesting Lavagirl is showing behaviors that I understood were imitating Sharkboy's. At first I tried ignoring them, but I am having second thoughts about it. Even if I know she doesnt have anything in terms of autism maybe she needs to see that if she expresses that she feels bad I will try to find ways to help her. I know she sees all the attention Sharkboy gets and I dont want her acting out just as a mean of getting noticed. This week she surprised me at the Cub scout meetting. The Girl Scouts had their meeting too so I decided to ask how they worked. She started crying as I was talking to the leader and wanted to go inmediately. As I left I asked what the problem was and she clearly said that she didnt want to be a girl scout because she wanted to be a boy scout like Sharkboy!! LOL!!! Later she said that she didnt want me to be away, I guess is one of the few times we get to be together and do some things and she doesnt want to loose that. I agree with her. Her dancing is improving with every class, she has a presentation at the Mayaguez mall in May 12 at 3pm. So if you want to see her be there!!!

I would really love to stop working or at least work in something from home...This days is a luxury to even think about it. As things are I have to consider taking at least a year off, in the long run it would be better. But it makes no sense to make such a change if I wouldnt have the means to do the homeschooling or the therapies or even eat as a matter...Another option would be to migrate, it still pops up...

Going for a ride?

2007-04-11T12:29:00.000-04:00

Where should I start? Last week was "free" from work and Lavagirl's school...But the work at the house awaited plus it was the perfect oportunity to boost the homeschooling agenda....... Right... One thing is to plan and another to be able to actually complete it. The amount of work at home was, lets say more than I had realized, you see without a washer theres a lot of handwashing and a few trips to my moms, which means all those things you could do at home have to wait until you are actually there. Another plus is that the stove burst into flames at the begging of the week, yep had my own little fire in the middle of the house. That taken care of meant no stove, no means of cooking=no eating; you see I had no $$$$$ for take out what I had I used for food that needed coooking. So, thank God for microwaves, BBQ and grills leftovers, that saved the week!! Later I turned myself into the mad scientist trying to make one stove out of two broken ones...It seemed to work, at least no more fires...

On the other side the kids were sick all week...Both seemed to have a flue with a horrible cough, that kept them ( and me!) awake most of the night. Obviously this week isnt the best for any sickeness since most docs are out on a vacation, I couldnt even find my boss!! LOL...So I had to improvise and they survived, finally found a combo that allowed a few hours of sleep. Being sick didnt help with the homeschooling, very little was done plus Sharkboys behavior was harder to handle. Meanwhile Lavagirl was different too, from sometime now maybe a few months she has been wetting her bed. At the begining I didnt say anything since I thought it was a passing thing or maybe due to a cold weather but since it adds more washing work its been testing my patience. Then by chance I mentioned it to my boss and it brought a view that I had been missing. Bedwetting is linked to emotional problems/depression or a sign of developmental problems...

Regarding Lavagirl I have always been on the watch, because of Sharkboys dx, to see any signs or problems on time...Until now everything seemed to be ok, she talked and walked on time, she follows directions and expresses herself acording to her age...She is a little loud, has trouble controlling the tone of her voice in certain places, she loves to hide in stores and has a strange need to be running around while at a store...Those are the only times were she seems to be too active...Was I missing something? Could it be that my focus on Sharkboy prevent me from seeing that she too might be on the spectrum? Or that she was stressed over having to deal with her brother's dx and present situation? The Doc pointed out that she might feel less loved because Sharkboy has priviliges that she doesnt....Even if I had explained everything to her I cant assume that she actually understood it or accepted it or even processed it and if by any chance she has some sort of learning problem of her own it would be even harder to understand.

But the fun doesnt end there, Lavagirl has very interesting toes. Yes, the condition is called syndactyly and it may represent something larger or it may not. So that would mean that I should do a trip to the geneticist just in case, for her and for Sharkboy. As it turns out there might be a possibility that he may have a metabolic disorder which would explain his behavior and problems...But I have my doubts...Seven years ago I went down that road, we saw neurologist, geneticists, pediatricians, neuropsichologists and all of them dismissed his problems as mental finding no physical evidence. I am aware that now science is looking into autism in a whole different perspective and maybe a better treatment can be found....Or not. Science and medicine are not far away from wizardly spells and magic potions..It is all trial and error, but what have I to loose? Money, lots of money because most of those labs and treatments arent covered by any insurance...Many things revolve around the big $$$$$ but it is better to be certain what exactly is going on to be able to go on.

In the meantime I know I have to keep a positive attitude, there are many people out there with worst situations, problems and without any means or opportunities. Besides it may turn out to be nothing or simply what I already know...But to be honest I am tired, loosing my patience to often or too easily...I havent been able to find info in the areas that we need help, or what I do find is not enough. Recently I found 2 books that assess anxiety and obsessions in order to eficiently manage the behaviors and go to the path of making them lessen in frequence. One targets exclusively anxiety and the other Asperger + anxiety+obsessions; they seem to have good solutions, a little pricey but I will have to check them further before taking the luxury. But I do need info that helps, that may bring light and a little guidence over what should be done and how.

Ready?..Set, GO!

2007-04-02T10:48:00.000-04:00

I havent been able to post during these lasts days due to technical difficulties with the internet service plus the only time we did have it, we used it with our homeschooling duties. A few weeks ago I decided to give a try to the Cub Scouts, hoping that their structure and reinforcements of values would help Sharkboy. As I said before I wasnt sure if it would work after the first meeting, but we had to go to a procession that represented the life of Christ ( done by kids) and we went to the Pine wood derby. The procession I thought would be the last of the cub scouts, since it was very long with a lot of sermons and prayers along the way. But actually both Sharkboy and Lavagirl enjoyed it, and talked about it for quite some time. It even allowed for more talk regarding Jesus, where and how he lived, what he preached and more! The following week was the Pine wood derby, were the kids had to build, paint and detailed a wood car for a race within his group and with another one. He loved building it, I think it was the first time that he ever did anything with his grandfather. The night of the race it was great to see him show off his car, plus he was able to participate on the ceremony and wait for his turn for the race. He won second place two times and he could careless!!!! He just loved the racing and being there!! As you can see I am sold! . I guess We"ll be loyal scouts for sometime now.

Oh, that same night Lavagirl had her Spring show at school. She was going to do a bunny dance, which she enjoyed a lot ( really looked very cute!!) It was nice, although I have to say that it sucked in terms of the general look of the activity and that you could clearly see that the kids never practiced in the theather. They all had looks of not knowing what was going on...but they had their fun jumping and singing...It is sad that such a great educational opportunity was lost, as years pass the importance of plays, acting and the such is being forgotten or simply done in such a mediocre way that it would even be better not to do it at all. But I guess its only me....

As of now in our homeschooling we are using Time4learning for Math, Science, Language arts ( English for us) and social studies. Besides that for Spanish I am only reinforcing reading ( fluency and going alongside the LA determine characters, main idea etc.) and calligraphy, for which I am using Handwritting without tears. Also he is taking music lessons and his karate lessons count towards physical education but to that I would have to add a health class since he has had many questions about his body and the role of sex in his life!!!!?????? Yes, the time has come...but I sense he ( and me!!) is ready to go into that journey. One thing I am sure of is not to give too much info so that he doesnt feel overwhelmed, just answer what he asks and wants to know. But lets see where thet road takes us....At least I would have this week off and the time to create more lessons and incorporate them.

Last week I had a follow up with Sharkboy's psychiatrist...It wasnt good but it wasnt that bad either. The doc knows that I take decisions over his treatment that are...well a little radical? or daring. I stopped medicating Sharkboy since december 06 and I dont regret it in any way. When he was 6 I found a doc that assured us that it was the best path to follow, therapies helped but not that much so I decided to give it a try. At the time I didnt have the best resources to look for more info, and what I did find led me towards medication. Its been 4 years of trials and errors, some where very good others very, very bad and in the end none provided a complete help. People assume that psy meds are like those we may take for a cold, HBP or even diabetes: you use them and they would control everything or even eliminating the problem with long term use. But they arent like that, they may solve a problem but they may create another inmediately or in the long run; making a complex situation very, very complicated. I remember that in one of my conversations with the doc we had hoped that one day he might be able to be medication free, well I decided to go tru that path since he no longer goes to a regular school. What would be the purpose of keep the medication if the main source of his anxiety is gone? No more demanding teachers, annoying bullies, endless copying, boring rutines, unsensitive peers, no more funny remarks...There are options available to deal with his tics, compulsions, obssesions, self agressions; they may not be easy or simple but they may empower him to take control of what he does and be aware of what he is doing right and wrong. I will have to re educate myself about the process and how to implement it but I know that in the long run it would be the best. The doc wasnt happy with the decision but he realized that it was an option worth trying, although he is worried about the homeschooling. For him homeschoolers are rebels against society and I may burn out as I am doing everything...But hasnt it been like that always? Besides that he tolds us to follow up with cognocitive therapy to help with the obsessions and compulsions but since there are no meds to manage there is no need for recurring follow ups with him. In a way I felt somehow alone and lost, not knowing what really lies ahead but the uncertainity of it is wonderful. Its an open door into the unknown but with the knowledge that it is a better option than from what we had or where we were going. Before it was very rare to hear him express any emotion besides excitement towards his games... To hear every I love you I hear from him is proof that something must be done right.

Changes...dear changes

2007-03-28T09:23:00.000-04:00

Life is mainly about change. Since we are born we have to deal with our own physical changes plus those that happen around us. Add to that, emotions and ideas that keep coming and going, that influence our character and behavior. Constantly we have to keep on doing, analyzing in order to live and survive. There are times that a standstill is good in order to gather yourself together on keep on...Why am I going over this again? Simply because even if change is a constant in our lives, it shakes us up so strongly from time to time, that one has embrace it completely and morph into the best to keep on.

Six months ago I wasnt sure what to do.

Our society tells us that we have to educate our children until they are 5 years old and then the State or a private institution has to take over in their education. That I did, soon to discover that my eldest was in the autistic spectrum. Then as years pass you realize that not the State or private schools knew how to educate not only my child but any child in the spectrum. One had to fight for services, rigths, opportunities, anything as a matter of fact. Plus the educators had to be educated in what was the right thing to do with special child. Yet in doing what we are supposed to do you feel something is wrong. I questioned why did it had to be like that? But I had to work and I wasnt a teacher so...I kept him in the system. Until a so called educator, with a masters degree and in a process of a Doctors degree, emotionally and physically abused my son due to his syndrome. I had to take him out of school. I could have sued, yes, but that wouldnt have helped him in any way. I had to think only of what could help him inmediately and realistically. I realized that no matter what, we couldnt go back to the traditional school system. I had heard about homeschooling before, wasnt sure how it worked but it seemed to be the best option.

What I didnt knew is how difficult it would be for those around us to understand and welcome the idea. For many homeschoolers are rebels agaisnt the goverment, that live with their own laws...For others dropouts, that dont really do schoolwork..or simply geniuses that need info at high rates...I knew they were a minority, in that I could relate, since being a parent in the educational system seems to be like that: its one person fighting agaisnt their burocracy. At first there isnt too much info available but I started with info from support groups in the states, which lead me to organizations ( Tchers and Weavers) here in PR. Until today there are no laws that regulate homeschooling, yet. We still have freedom to do as we please, but most try to do the basic that is done in the USA: record keeping, schedules, tests etc.

The irony in this is that if non beleivers have a hard time accepting my choice, homeschoolers also have a problem with it. You see I HAVE to work, so how could I consider homeschooling if I am not home? It was impossible to do both things ( or so they beleive) Plus my child is special needs so I should meet with parents of kids like that...WHAT????? I couldnt beleive it...For me homeschooling was/is based in individualized learning, designing a curriculum having in mind the child. Then why would I need to design a PEI as if he was in the public system?? Why did he had to be treated differently?? It was depressing...sad...I felt very out of place, even thought that I had made yet, another mistake. But then I realized that I could careless what other people thought, I didnt need an approval of veteran homeschoolers...This is a personal decision that only I can make it work. As I kept reading their emails I realized that this journey will be successfull if we want it to be. Challenges will be everywhere but they will make the journey fun.

Then in the organizing of everything I had hard time with the record keeping of the log. And I remembered my blog. That thing that I didnt knew what to do with it, but that I could expand and use for anything!!! So changes to it started...Yes this would be our official log in our journey...Plus maybe Sharkboy would have one too, if we can finally work on his thinking processes he might be able to share his ideas in writting, cross your fingers!!
Everything seems to happen for a reason...I cant openly say that now I am sure that I know what I am doing but I feel confident that it is the right choice for him. And that at his own pace he will flourish and be all that he wasnt allowed to be.

Yes, some changes have been made...hopefully for the better.

So...

2007-03-17T13:01:00.000-04:00

Finally I was able to see El laberinto del Fauno!! If you havent seen it, it is a must see!!

In the other side of life things are going ok...It has been a surprise that in a week full of volcanic ash and dessert dust I am allergy freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I guess that when everything is over then it will hit me, who knows....

This week I was able to take Sharkboy to his first homeschooling activity: a science presentation at the Chemistry Dept in RUM. He didnt relate to the other kids but he loved the experiments!! Also they got a chance to see the Geology Museum ( quite tiny!!) but the great thing was the mamut fossils displayed. He has been a little into dinos lately. In addition he got invited to a boyscout troop and he liked the first meeting. I can openly say that I hated it; an hour and a half of torture!! I found it extremely booring and poorly organized, since the den leaders were improvising withe manuals as they read them. But they are just starting ( January 07) to try earn all the patches and stuff so they are doing everything by the book literally. I really dont like the idea of going back, it sounds like a school of the outdoors with many expenses...But I guess I should think of ways to help him build charater, values and friends...I will try to see a better side of it...If anyone out there has an idea of building an ant farm let me know, he had a homework of making an insect zoo but he freaks out just by hearing the word insect...so he got the ant farm just to see if he could complete the task...

Lavagirl will be a bunny in an upcoming show at her school plus she has to recite a poem of Spring, her choice. This weekend would be the search for it and see if she can memorize it on time...Plus her dance lessons are going, and going...The Karate class is not going anywhere, she likes the excercises but she doesnt like the kicking and movements but the teacher wants to give her more time to see if she finally follows the crowd. Sharkboy on the other hand is insane about it, I have never seen him try so hard to do something. I just hope he can keep up...

Later,

Long time, no see

2007-02-13T13:22:00.000-04:00

There are times when a small break is needed in order to keep on...Specially when many things happen in a short period of time. In our own uniqueness, we each have very different ways to struggle and survive...to keep on. After all, this journey is a once in a lifetime opportunity, so no matter what comes our way we must go on.

Last year was a rollercoaster year; too many downs, lows but there were some ups. It ended more on the dark, frustrated side of life but it ended. Life kept on, uneventfull, but with the assurance that change is a growing process, it doesnt happen in 24 hours or in some days. But it is a continous process that never ends, we just have to realize it and in some weird way go with it. And so, a new year starts with the same challenges, problems, world but with new perspectives on how to face them.

V's wedding was beautiful...Stressing for everyone, but beautiful..I am sad with it because I couldnt do as much as I wanted to...or as was expected. But I am glad that she enjoyed it ( and everything after it!!) Nothing that she feared happened, it was a beautiful, meaningful ceremony. Lavagirl and Sharkboy loved it! They felt part of all the process, even if they didnt really understood what it meant.

As for them, Lavagirl is on dance classes; which she loves! Sharkboy is embracing the baritone sax and although he isnt berserk about it, the sounds are promissing. He is looking forward to be given the instrument by the school. ;)

We are still homeschooling, testing approaches, curriculums looking for the right mix, so to speak...Showing someone that learning is meaningful, fun and part of us isnt an easy task. Every part of it is a challenge, from the conception to the action...Being part of the homeschooling trend is in a way like being an Xmen. You have a different perspective and do things opposite to how others do them, for some we may seem to be above the law...Homosuperior? As always what is different, or away from the norm, is considered abnormal or dangerous. When in reality all we may want is to live to the fullest.

Christmas.....

2006-12-21T11:25:00.000-04:00

The time of the year when hopes soar and everything seems to be happier? better? Lately, many people arent feeling so merry, or joyful...Whatever was that used to bring all those happy feelings and warm moments is sadly, either dying or already dead. Although most of us are gratefull for all the blessings around us and in our lives, theres something still lost. The magic is...disapearing. Or maybe the will to keep the merry in the season has ended..we may need a large group of haflings, elves or fairies to move things ahead...a spark to keep it up.

A Different Christmas Poem...

2006-12-12T11:12:00.000-04:00

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night." "It's
my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always
remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her
smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the
sleet,

I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not
fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget
To fight for our rights back at home while we're
gone,

To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

PLEASE, Would you do me the kind favor of sending
this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due to our
U.S.service men and women for our being able to
celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small
way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people
stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who
sacrificed themselves for us.

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq.

Happy, happy JOY JOY!!!

2006-12-06T10:58:00.000-04:00

In all of my misadventures finally a wonderfull thing arrived: Sharkboy was accepted to a music school!!!!!! Highly hope that this would mark a difference, and provide many fullfilling concerts...Still dont know which instrument he might learn, although we were told that piano and guitar are full. So, many other options available, hope it would be something he can bond with...( Although I would LOVEEE to have a violin at home...)For those worry heads that still cant grasp the idea behind homeschooling, this would mean that he would be in a mainstream school until he graduates or drops out; so he is part of a "real" public school. Everything starts by January, so I shall have our school ready by then, so it can be registered and officially running. Just in case, unofficialy the homeschooling gig is running, being going to meetings, seminars, doing the work,etc,etc...

Besides that...been working,working and a little of more usual work..Although mine isnt classified as a real job...Anyway, the Christmas spirit is arriving, I tried to embrace the spirit a little at home...And on a sad note my car is officially dead; which means I would be stranded for what is left of the year and most likely in the beggining of the next...Not a good omen for a new year start, but what the heck...Later

B days and Thanksgiving!!

2006-11-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

Raven's nest...

On Monday was Lavagirls birthday, finally 5!! As per her request no bday party, only her close ones to sing to her and blow the candles..Incredibly she enjoyed it very much...So much that all this week I had to light the cake again and sing to her!!!LOL..Well you never turn 5 twice, so its better to celebrate it as much as one can...

Wenesday I spend it doing paint work at the in laws...12 hours of work but it was finished, hate the colors but I dont have to live there. I was so energized with the work that couldnt sleep much and as Fate declares it my mom showed up at 8 am. She came to remind me of the goodies for the day and my mission for cheesecake and coquito. So off to the task..I have to say that it came amazingly good, I will try to get some to Groundel and hope that the Witch passes by...The coquito came out damned good too, at least something to celebrate with.

So officially the holidays are starting..Lets see what surprises they may bring..happy thanksgiving!!!

Raven's nest...

2006-11-16T14:25:00.000-04:00

Back from the dead...It's been a while but researching takes the time of blogging and my computer has a mind of its own, so sometimes it wont do as told...Anyway, I am a sucker for fairies and found this little thing to look upon and wonder...

Its Friday!!

2006-09-29T22:05:00.000-04:00

Finally another week has passed by...And unlike many others I am not happy because I look forward to go someplace or party, but simply because the rutine is finally over...As always the week went by withiut major changes until Thursday...My Mother in law finally accepted that she knows not how to deal with Sharkboy but at the same time she simply back out and gave up...She told me she felt sorry for me since I have to handle him, his behavior and everything involving him on my own, she felt sorry for not being able to do more but when dealing with the devils work there was not much to do besides pray...
I almost snapped..the devil's work..and then some of the witch's words echoed in my mind...My natural ability to get people against me...to say the wrong thing at the wrong time...And also I thought of all the previous times I had tried to talk to her with no success...so I simply decided to say nothing and left..what's the use? She has never cared to understand..why should I care?
But then all the thoughts as I drove home kept my mind in a race...The right, the wrong, the choices...no matter what things have not seemed to improve in any way...I am left with all the problems, no solutions, no way out...A few weeks ago I came across a wonderful lady from la Alianza de Autismo; as always we talked about how things were...And after I said a few things she said: you are still on your own? We need to get together simply to talk and have cofee...At the moment I didnt understood why, but she is so right...It sometimes seems to be so heavy, such a looong road, so lonely...And it isnt because I think this situation has happened to me only; because I know I am not the only parent with a child with special needs but because every time one tries to talk objectively, and looking for an option I get nothing..Zero, sip, nada...just a patt in the shoulder and a " keep on" like that would solve anything...Very frustrating...
Anyway...I also fell on my knees getting out of work..God would only know why...so not only does my emotions are down but also my knees...another one to the list of aches and pains..But the only thing I dislike is the bruises...Although I should get used to having them without knowing why...I guess I should remember that the battle is neverending...

Weekend?

2006-09-25T20:24:00.000-04:00

I dont think it actually ends...It is all part of a neverending cycle of events...Finally I was able to finish all the moving around and painting of the rooms...But now I have to finish the regular stuff of the week..laundry, folding, dog/cat washing, moping etc...And sadly I am not in the mood...I should have followed an advice in a website never clean before startingsomething new, simply START!..because at the end you will be so burned out that there will be no energy left to start...So damned true!

On a different twist Saturday was a looooooooooooooong day...When I woke up, drained because of that damned dream, I thought of staying in bed but I remember the docs appointment so off I went to get everything ready...Foolish me, as always having Sharkboy and his father awaken at the same time isnt the best idea if you want t o be on time...After a little rumble I finally managed to get out...to no success...another quake took place at the car that was endless...So I simply decided to quit..Too tired to fight, argue, analize...So home to try and find some peace and quiet..One good thing was that Sharkboy got invited to a b-party at the bowling center and I wanted a change of scenery...and after another set of rumbles we managed to go....

It was fun to go there, so many years have passed...Too many good and bad memories...but in some ways I regret having left..Anyway at least I got a chance to talk to an old friend, he still is the supervisor..He is starting to get tired of the same old thing, but it is a secure job...so the rutine is very bearable...It was good to talk, he hasnt changed a bit...same crazy guy...Also lavagirl and Sharkboy had a lot of fun...so much they were tired and quickly fall as sleep as we got home...At least they did..

I managed to get a start on the paint jobs and by 1 am I realized I should stop and try to join them...But I mistakenly found some old movies and watched them until finished. One was Sybil and I didnt remember that it lasted 4 hours!!!! And people critizized Lord of the RIngs for being long...It was long but good...Took a walk outside to see if the change would help..and it eventually did...But I had the same dream again...I hate to sleep and dream, one wakes up more tired and stressed..

At least the new day went better that I had expected many things were done..Good feeling of acomplishment, although every inch of muscle hurts..And I was able to dooze off by 9...Being tired finally pays off...

In difference lies perfection....

2006-09-25T10:50:00.000-04:00

God saw how desolation was governing men and told his angels: "Human beings need help, you will have to go and help them."

"Since men have forgotten that I made them different so that they would complement each other and create the body of my loving Son, you will go down with certain differences"

And to each a task was given:

- "You will have excellent memory and concentration: you will be blind"

-"You will be elocuent with your body and very creative to express yourself: you will be deaf"

-"You will be able to write books, be a poet, you will have cerebral palsy"

-"To you I will give the gift of love, like you there will be many and there will be no distinction between race because all will have the same face, eyes, hands and body like blood brothers: you will have Down Syndrome"

-"You will be short and your good humor and charisma will reach the heavens: you will be a dwarf"

_"You will enjoy creation as I planned it for men: you will have mental retardation"

_"While others are worried with medical and technological advances, you will enjoy looking at an ant, a flower, you will be happy because you will love everyone and you will make no judgment. You will live on earth but your mind will stay in heaven: you will prefer to listen to my voice instead of the voice of men: you will have autism"

-"You will be like no other, you will not have arms and will do everything with your feet and mouth"

-To the last Angel He said:"You will be a genious; I will take your wings before you get to Earth and your back yill be hollow. Men will repair your body but you will have to improvise to succeded: you will have mielomenimgocellum, which means: honey from heaven"

The Angels felt happy with each task and went to Earth overjoyed. Each arrived to a mother's womb and grew for 6,7,8,9 months. At birth were received with pain, anguish and fear.

Some parents refused the task, others accepted it with anger, others blamed themselves until dissolving their marriage and others cried with love and accepted the task.

No matter the case, those who know their mission and their virtues are faith, hope among others, they have learned to forgive. With patience they go through life iluminating those that they wamt to love. Angels still are coming down to Earth with higher spirits and weak bodies and they will keep on coming as long as there is humanity in our world. God wants them to be among us so we learn from them...See why there are so many differences?

Absent minded me...

2006-09-21T20:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a little...busy? I arrived to work with certain things to do on mind, when I looked at the entrance a cascade of water was falling through the stairs...Yep, tons of water going down out of the office...WTF???!!! Still I was seeing it and I couldnt beleive it..I had no idea of how or why it was happening or had happened...Then I found out that I had forgotten to close the water in the bathroom..so the swiming experience was all because of my forgetfullness..At first I felt like all the bad luck had followed me this week...The battery for the computer was dead, along with some desks and files..Thank God that I have the boss that I have since she was not bothered and laughing about it!! Still it bothers me how I could have forgotten something so simple...I guess I need to be more conscious of what I do..

On other matters I have finished painting Sharkboys room..Only Lavagirl and half of my room to do..During the weekend I managed to do the livingroom/kitchen and the halway...I am not sure if I should do Lavagirls room tonite..I am a little tired but I will rest better if everything is done...I will toss a coin and see..

Dead Calm

2006-09-20T07:12:00.000-04:00

Some say that after the storm all that is left is peace and quiet..I certanily do hope so...But now all I sense is the dreadful waiting for the stamp of approval or a heavier accusation...I know that I have nothing to worry about, I have done no wrong but... people that want to hurt could have their way sometimes..So all I can do is wait...and try to set my mind in other things or the stress will kill me..

The idea of creating a school at home should be enough to keep me busy...I am expecting to have everything wrapped up by the end of the week..So by Saturday we could more or less officially start his journey. In some stupid way I am glad that all this has happened..Many years ago I had set my mind to create a new kind of school, this isnt the original idea but it is the beggining...Who knows maybe in the end itwould be ten thousand times better than what I had pictured...Nothing to loose in hoping...

Me, myself and I

2006-09-16T16:41:00.000-04:00

After another wonderful night of work, tv and dark skies I manage to sleep some hours...By dawn I wake up to keep on...just to get my mind of child services...And 30 minutes later they showed up. So I had to spend all morning been interviewed, questioned, searched and looked at...I guess trying to see a hint of my so called negligence...Apparently nothing added up, except for the tiny detail that I didnt have enough supplies and the unfinished things around the house...( Groundel remember our mini adventure with the wall? and the paint? )Even the cats and the minions behaved...Both kids were happy and looked well..BUt I will have to wait until they finish the investigation..I am still waiting for the dark window and the music for I seem to be part of my favorite show: Law and Order...Now they will go to the school...more waiting time..I dont know if I am more pissed than depressed or a big combo of both. One of my neighbors, who is a social worker, told me not to worry..But that I should be warned, more of this may happen if there is someone out there who wants to fuck me...Every call they receive, they have to investigate..so would this be a taste of what lies ahead?

And as always I end up with me, myself and I...and the kids...Like always he cant face a problem or be useful to solve it...or help...or simply be there...One more reason why I cant get rid of my pets..they are always there, unconditionally...in the middle of nigth or at dawn...Nothing changes for better...

Raven's nest...

2006-09-16T02:09:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought things couldnt get any worse, they get worst. After a whole week of thinking and doubting I decided to tell the school that Sharkboy would not be back due to Doc's orders. I thought that would be the end of it, and so went home. As I arrived my neighbor calls to let me know that child services had been around questioning everybody they could find because there was a complaint made against ME for negligence and abuse...I was completely WHAT THE FUCK???????????????? ME? My kids? Neglected? Abused? They told her that the complaint was because they have been seen unsupervised, barefoot, hungry, without clothing...WTF????????????? I still can not beleive it...
But the fun doesnt end there...What is even better is when people say all the things that I have to fix so my house would look like one...Reinforcing the fact that I dont have the skills to handle a home...Having 2 dogs and 6 cats is heresy...condemned in hell...That I have to rearrange my schedule, be less lazy, more organized, in general do things differently and better...So bottom line maybe I AM NEGLIGENT? I guess I would simply have to go back to my old schedule...Live as a vampire...a night shift so everything is in order every day...I wonder do they remember I should try to sleep??? Anyway I shouldnt complaint because I dont sleep anyway so I better make use of the time...
StilL I wonder where all this will end...Who would like to fuck up my life as to threathen with my family...my kids....It's all a wait and see...

2006-09-15T06:32:00.000-04:00

For those out there following...Sharkboys adventures in the school system keep up as always. This week I decided not to send him due to his confessional session with my and his doc...Apparently the school has taken the prehistoric approach to educating..Remeber those times when the teacher used to punish bad behavior with a slap? Well apparently that is active again...All this past weeks I have been wondering, thinking why on Earth he wouldnt talk to me about anything related to the school...Now I get to know why, he was told not to say anything since no one would be able to help him and the message was that he had to learn to behave by the iron fist. This woman understands that he has no problems except a weak mom, who allows him to do his bidding and a strong willed dad who is all he needs to get his act together...And I had hoped this was the enviroment he needed to succeded...

A friend told me to try and talk to the school, that it cant be all that bad since other kids do make it smoothly. But would it really be worth it? I have made bad choices with schools before I cant keep on with that...One school didnt want to give him opportunities, other subjected him to physical and emotional abuse through peers and teachers another one took his fears to the max and I CANT KEEP on relaying in others to educate my son. For too long society keeps smashing in your face that we cant educate our kids after they enter the "school years" because we arent teachers..Do we really need to be? I have found no magic in the educational methods of our system...Same boring, uneventhfull stuff full of competition, and unequality...I cant see what lies ahead, but defenitely this is the time for changes.

2006-09-08T19:05:00.000-04:00

EVERYTHING THAT IS OR WAS, BEGAN WITH A DREAM...

Of times past

2006-09-06T14:36:00.000-04:00

For quite a long time I have ignored things of the past...I used to belive that by ignoring or simply setting aside things would improve or be different. Even I thought that by leaving everything and superficially starting over I would forget...But one can run but never hide...Eventually things suddenly appear, showing themselves as if they happened yesterday...Or a situation may happen that reminds of what it was like...
Recently I had some conversations that bothered me. I came across a member of my family whose grandfather died sometime soon. In some part of the conversation she questioned why I had stop visiting them as a child; she remembered how I used to refuse to stay with her and her grandfather and how much he asked for me. She remembered this because even in his last days he would request for me...and I always refused. At first I didnt knew what to say, what did it matter now? Then she started rambling about respect, how he used to take care of us and that all he wanted was to say goodbye...I just bite my lips..wondering what to say...My memories of his care arent the same ones as hers..Well I am sure she will never speak to me again but I couldnt go see him...Maybe I should have...but sickness and the certainity of death doesnt make a person better...or are reasons enough.
Then my appointment with a doc...I had to go since I am a little lost in handling my sons behavior...During the conversation surfaced an incident with my son were he was molested by another kid, and apparently it may be another sttresor for his behavior based on memories appearing and him not being able to handle them. Plus the doc understood that I had too many issues with the situation either of not capable of handling my son's or because of incidents of my own...or both. I was speechless..All I could tell him was that I needed to find ways to help my son..So we booked another appointment...It is funny how you go to a doc with certain ideas on mind and everything is turned upside down in an instant. Its like getting an slap telling you to wake up and face it!!!!! Then there was Friday night...having that feeling of out of body experience, you dont feel as a whole or even as human...makes one wonder for how long can one be trapped inside a fear or in a mind?
Would it be better to keep writting? I am not sure... but I need to find ways to let it go...or it will consume me. I need my hopes back...and believe again that Neverland is on the second star to the right...

A tale of..

2006-09-04T09:23:00.000-04:00

On Saturday night I couldnt sleep...and didnt want to do anything either...I was restless and decided to browse blogs to entertain myself. It was fun to see all the things people from around the world would post about; from the serious to the hilarious....Until I stumbled into one made by a woman from Finland, who was living in the states since she got married 3 years ago. She had decide to create the blog as a form of therapy and a way to inform others...You see she was raped in her home by a friend of her husbands family exactly 2 years ago. In there she had info about legal issues, definitions, therapy, statistics and her story during and after the rape...
Plus the blog didnt only show her story but also of other women who had shared theirs. In the guestbook many women left their support but many others were looking for it too. Normally I wouldnt like to read this kind of stuff but it amazed me how she thought that by writting and telling to anyone she might free herself of the memories. But what caught my attention even more was that she explained, she didnt knew why or how, but she had unplugged herself, even shut down and saw everything as it had happened to someone else...Unplugged ...By doing that she was able to control herself in all aspects wich was a blessing at first...and a nightmare later on. But I was amazed to find someone that uses the same words as I have to explain what it is to some unexplainable.
Is it really? Is it really so hard to understand? There is a girl in the site that she recalls that after the incident she didnt tell anyone and started on a quest to feel as she did before. No matter how many times she had sex with someone she no longer felt anything...Her body reacted up to a point and then there was nothing. For her it was a meaningless act and it wasnt until she look for therapy that things started to change. I guess it is all a matter of accepting and letting go...isnt it?
In that sense I guess that one has to accept that family would be the first to teach you to be afraid of what you dont understand and cant explain..I remember how he used to say that there was nothing wrong..That touching was like exploring, learning..and I was young enough to learn....Was I glad when I didnt have to see him and when he finally moved out...Years later just when you think you are in control you realize that you arent...Someone decides to choose for you and welcome you into a whole new world...Again I was afraid and unsure if I should say anything, nobody believed me before why should anyone believe me now? I remember once I did try open up...On one side it felt ok since I discovered that I wasnt alone but on the other it felt as if I had made the worst mistake...And I was just starting to make many mistakes...
But that is a part of life, falling into the dark abyss and find your way back out...I guess that is something that touched me even more..In very little time she had been able to heal herself whereas many years have passed and I am still unable to forget, to let go and grow out of it...Still I wonder why?

I remember he had asked me to marry him and I declined..I wanted to do so much, so many dreams..marriage seemed like a cage and I still had hopes to go to Sagrado...Then that night..I remember him saying that he had taken all that I had to give and I would never be able to forget him..In that he was right...I have never been able to...

Raven's nest...

2006-09-02T08:54:00.000-04:00

Still on the search for guidence...Sometimes I think I should only trust my instincts and forget about the rest..No doubts or questioning just the assurance of doing what comes right from within...But as many have stated I am not always right, I am naive and overtrusting...So I guess the root of self doubt will never leave...Forever question if what I have chosen is the right path....

On one side I have Sharkboy; seems that some things are falling into place at the school...Maybe a turn around for the best? I still question that what I have done is the best choice..Maybe I just have to accept that the real problem lies on me not on him..I have not been the best parent..I lack the best parenting skills to make the good in him surface...Maybe my inability to focus, organize, to follow trough, is what is needed to be taken out and provide him with more stability...Would he be better off without me? Often times I felt invisible, not playing an important role for all that I did never seemed to bring any rewards...I have not seen a real improvement in his life..we have been going around on circles..seeing the problems but never able to fix them...Plus I feel like I am falling apart...how can I help him if I cant even keep myself straight?...Having learned from his experience I know that using meds on and off without keeping it constant would do more damage than any actual good...Because the pace cant be kept up, and also one cant rely only on meds to be fully functional...It would be like a weakness...needing something from the outside to go by....when the strenght should come from within...
From within...and what if there is nothing? Yes I woke up today looking at gray skies instead of the beautiful radiant sun that its outside...My life woke up to the same...Just when you think you have a glimpse of hope...reality checks in, letting you know that dreams are only for fools...for fools in love...so the Witch can keep on her dreaming since her love levels surpass those of Cupid...At least I am happy because finally after all this time she is radiating with happiness and love.. Groundel...well maybe we are on the same ground, whishing things would be better but seeing no light in the tunel...Coriolis, well we arent actual friends but at least in his own way he entertains me with a life I will never know...Then Morfered...he always tries to keep the positive side up, reinforcing the happy, happy, joy, joy...but it cant always be so...only on fairytales the good overcomes evil..

Raven's nest...

2006-08-31T14:37:00.000-04:00

A dream becomes a goal when action is taken toward its achievement.

-Bo Bennet

2006-08-27T15:27:00.000-04:00

Sharkboy is back in school..Still not at his best, he seems kind of lost and, in a way mad and tired...Hopefully things will improve, with that in mind I have started to search again in sites and groups for ideas. Doing this I came across an email of a mom from Arroyo whose son was recently dx with autism. She was desparate because as always the DE isnt providing the therapy services, the teacher is verbally abusing her and her son and the school wont provide her a new placement. I was outraged because no matter the laws nor the commitmment people still love to make hell in the lives of the parents of kids with disabilities. Out of the blue I decided to call her and give her a little advice so she could find a way...It felt good to talk to someone that is going through what I had to go through, one can realize that there are many out there fighting but..I could provide her with little hope of improvement. In a way I envied her because now she has more resources than what I had when my son was 4 years old, plus the fight is done with her family not with her family against her. Her son was dx 6 months ago and she already felt like she didnt existed since all her time is dedicated only to her child...In there I was of no help, I have buried myself for the last 7 years in the quest..Year after year I have left a new thing behind and given more time and attention to the quest...with little results..All I could say was that as long as realized it she will find a way and time to give to herself, her marriage and family...and I whished her good luck.

In a situation like this seems that we need all the luck of the world. Luck to find the right doc, teacher, school, neighborhood, medication, therapist plus more luck to find understanding,acceptance and less judgement...And be lucky enough to have the will to remember that one can do it, a day at a time..the anger and frustration are just passing emotions that we cant allow but regretably fill us from time to time. Many say that support is the answer but when close ones close their eyes, the so called support becomes a meaningless idea..Once someone told me that God gives special kids to special mothers...well He must think very highly of some of us...and we havent realized it yet.

Sometimes, I guess it takes time to accept and realize the things that happen to us...When one thought that something would never be yours or that you could never have it, then when it magically appears everchanging all that you had thought that was...It becomes your most guarded possesion, making you as happy as a small child on Christmas...And then you wonder would it last, this feeling, this thing? Or as time goes by the happiness of possesing that precious thing would fade as it is already yours? Our human nature allows us that typical reaction once we tasted something we might loose interest, because the mystery has been revealed...Other times it may not be so, since the feeling is so strong and pure that it would stay forever in your heart...But how can anyone know...In a way I wouldnt want to know, there are times were it is better to be able to feel and embrace the emotion before it is taken away...Like some say: it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all...

A touch of fate....

2006-08-19T17:26:00.000-04:00

Once life seemed to be hopeless..I guess everyone goes by that every once in a while but..something happens..something unexpected that gives magic back into life...Then it is easier to see the fairies, wish upon falling stars at night, take a trip to Neverland...anything seems possible...But fate has always other plans and twists events so ever nicely that it may seem that everything fades away in the mist of dawn....

It is really so ironic how can things change so quickly, in less than seconds...A simple word or phrase can disrupt someones life; or even a glance can mean the world in someones mind...But what is done unintentionally sometimes is what carries the heaviest burden of creating changes...Is there any way to revert a change or is it impossible to reestablish the peace and harmony that once was?

What once was...maybe it was never meant to be...or still many other things have to unfold for it to take place...But now doesnt seem to be the best time
As with anything the changes have to be accepted an embraced, learning of the experience and try to grow out of it even if it means to carry a heavy burden...It is easier to accept a mistake and keep on with life; than live a life as a lie...Saying sorry may in reality give nothing but heartache...But for those who count it as meaningful; sorry...

2006-08-19T11:02:00.000-04:00

I feel it, its coming
Rain, feel it on my finger tips
Hear it on my window pane
Your loves coming down like
Rain, wash away my sorrow
Take away my pain
Your loves coming down like rain

When your lips are burning mine
And you take the time to tell me how you feel
When you listen to my words
And I know youve heard, I know its real
Rain is what this thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing
Call me a fool but I know Im not
Im gonna stand out here on the mountain top
Till I feel your

(chorus)

When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
Id wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That youd return when the storm was done
And now Ill wait for the light, Ill wait for the sun
Till I feel your

(chorus)

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say, never go away

Waiting is the hardest thing
[its strange I feel like Ive known you before]
I tell myself that if I believe in you
[and I want to understand you]
In the dream of you
[more and more]
With all my heart and all my soul
[when Im with you]
That by sheer force of will
[i feel like a magical child]
I will raise you from the ground
[everything strange]
And without a sound youll appear
[everything wild]
And surrender to me, to love

Rain is what the thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing
Call me a fool but I know Im not
Im gonna stand out here on the mountain top
Till I feel your

Rain, I feel it, its coming
Your loves coming down like
(repeat)

(chorus)

Rain, I feel it, its coming
Your loves coming down like
Rain

Some news....

2006-08-16T22:19:00.000-04:00

For those out there following: Sharkboy got his break at the school!!!! Hope he doesnt blow it this time...At least I will make sure he doesnt or I 'll break his neck...LOL! I didnt think that it would be this easy, I guess they knew he needs the school as much as they need him. ( if you know what I mean!$$$$)

There are many things to do and change for him to improve his situation...I am doing some research to see how and when to make it happen..It will not be easy, or healthy or even happy but it isnt impossible...But it needs to be done soon..ASASP...But maybe its better not to break the news yet so it wouldnt spoil the surprise....Lets see what happens...

From all this turmoil, faith and hope have endured...They say the darkest hour is before dawn...I do hope this is a new beggining...

Reality check...

2006-08-14T00:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had the chance of getting together with a friend. It seemed that she needed to talk or at least have someone that could listen to her and her worries, so that for an instant they may be lifted. For some time now I have seen her sad, a little hopeless but also very positive that eventually things will turn out for good. But not this time, since all the troubles she has been having have finally taken a hold of her. In that I can relate...

In between all her court dealings,job searches she had never lost control. But when she realized that the love she thought was hers, really wasnt all started to fall apart. She was aware of what she had gotten into in the beggining, but had never actually accepted it. As a lover she had only lived the moment, the happiness of being in love and being loved...The certainity of being happy for being able of sharing thoughts, interest and acceptance...She only forgot that it wouldnt be forever.
All I could say was that at least she had her chance of happiness...Brief but fullfilling; strong within the limits they had shared, and that, above all that she should value..It would not be easy to be apart, but it was something that only time would be able to heal. And maybe in the end if it did matter, fate would give her the opportunity of reuniting or finding a better love. I know this were only words and the sadness that fills her heart wouldnt go away; even she would not listen to any advice and keep on with this love that seems to have no future...But who can actually say so?
Once someone told me that I should remember that every person creates his/her own future; fate has nothing to do with it...If so, there are many roads to choose from in order to achieve what one believes as happiness. I know that she has a lot of talents to help her in her journey; her voice is one that I admire the most. Her voice is so powerful and mistifying that can take anyone to the dreamlands...I just wish she would see herself as the beautiful, powerful woman that she is.
I guess that having lived the dream made hard the awakening...Those are the times when one wishes that the night would lasts forever..So dreams never ended..But reality is always there to keep us wide awake and in tune with what we actually live, even if one doesnt like it.

November Rain

2006-08-13T18:00:00.000-04:00

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Of masterplans...

2006-08-12T21:26:00.000-04:00

There must be a lot of people out there that love to plan, schedule and keep track of all the details to finaly achieve a goal of some sort...I have never been a fan of plans, usually if I had tried to have one something always showed up and screw it up...So once I decided to forget it, no more plans and simply let the wind take me wherever it would want to...I have wandered for too long without any sense of belonging..
Recently I had envisioned a plan...one of those that the Witch would even be proud of..step by step, little by little..considering every possibility. And then something happened, completely unexpected that affected the plan but didnt prevent it to keep going...And then the least that I thought of ocurred..`
which could put a hold to everything else or..maybe even accelerate it...depending on what may happen in the next few days. There are many things to consider, what I would like to do, how to do it and where...But mainly I should think of what is best for all and how to improve what exists now... Who knows maybe the plan wouldnt have to change after all...

Remember the Phoenix

2006-08-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

Well, if Wensday had been bad, Thursday was worst. Sharkboy got suspended because of his explosive, aggresive outburst at school. When I picked him I was in the WTF!!!!??? mode since I thought that his punishment had meant something...apparently not. He used even worst words and behavior without reason. Worst of all he wont talk to me, since I am the evil avatar of punishment...But that I cant change..if he wants to hate for now so be it. I cant simply stand aside and watch him become so useless, raging macho who cant do anything for himself..One way or another I will get through and help him get a hold of his emotions. I just wished it would be easier...
He describes himself as a volcano or as an tornado out of control; unable to stop...But at the same time he knows that his behavior was wrong but wont accept it as that and that he needs to correct it. He has changed a lot during summer, I should have seen it comming..I had imagined it but thought that I was going to be able to manage it..How wrong I was...I sincerily hope that the Healer can bring ideas or shed some light as the direction to take besides the usual potions he proposes...In the meantime I will have to research again and start reading to see what can be done, if anything at all...As they grow its harder to find help or ideas since many people think that its already too late..
Today I went to do some chores at work and after that decided to take some time for myself...I need to take my mind of the pressure of what to do, where to go, why, how...I may have failed but I have not lost its a matter of keep going and ane way or the other get there...E came for lunch again...Tried to cheer me up and give ideas as to find an agreement with the school...but that is hard to get. I will try to since the investment in the school was a big one; but as I told the Witch my greatest hope now would be to homeschool...No more schools and systems, rules, etc
Last year I had thought of it but found it to be imppossible because I cant stop working, but I could find my way around that and use it to my advantage..
I guess that I would have to be like the Phoenix rise again from the ashes to a new start...

2006-08-10T11:53:00.000-04:00

My hopes for an easy, smooth start for this semester have completely disappeared...Its only been two days and both Lavagirl and Sharkboy have done their share to make it a memorable start...Lavagirl doesnt like her change of enviroment, why I have no idea...Well maybe I could guess, because the new room isnt as cozy or interesting as her previous one and none of her previous classmates are there but, still it isnt that bad...At least it doesnt seem as bad for her to be screaming her lungs out like Banshee, clinging to me like I would be leaving her in a dark cave full of spiders...Nonetheless i already made moves for her to be changed to another room. I simply can not stand to hear days and days of crying and screaming and not wanting to go to school when before she was sooooo happy to be there.....Plus it remembers me of the Dark years of Sharkboys start at school...and I simply can not go through something similar again...
Meanwhile Sharkboy exploded yesterday afternoon at school...And what an explosion...He was crying histerical while the director and a teacher retold the events...He cursed, insulted, kicked, threathened to kill, offered things, made gestures so grave and insulting that one would wonder how, why...when everything seemed to be going ok, this happens...But the worst part isnt the outburst but the explanations or meanings that grown ups give to it...trying to find a source for the behavior, for the body language that it is clearly not natural but learned...
And I know from where he learned...After all this years I really thought that I was making a difference or that at least my teachings had reached but I have been blind...It is hard to learn something when the enviroment and those in it show you something else....All that cursing, anger, swearing has one source and as long we are all under the same roof, I guess Sharkboy will not be able to change.....Or at least understand that there are other ways to act and react...NO matter how much medication or therapies I may find and use they are completely useless..Guess that is why there are improvements but then the same problems come back... So maybe in the end some of the doc were rigth I really have not done enough...The most important part I have ommited, thinking I would fix it or simply by ignoring it would go away when in reality it is getting worst every day....Like being consumed by it little by little...

Weekend chaos....

2006-08-07T14:44:00.000-04:00

I would have never thought that a weekend would seem so endless, but at the same time without enough hours to do what it is needed. Maybe the whole problem was that I avoided the unavoidable: the back to school frenzy...I should have started a few weeks earlier to look for the last important things, like pants, shirts...and the books...But since money had been scarce I had done it little by little but it is never enough. Sharkboy and Lavagirl have grown do much during this last summer that what I thought fitted them didnt anymore...So I had to search many shoppings for simple things, bad side of leaving everything to the last days...But at least it also had a bright side, since in one of my endless search days I was able to meet E for lunch...It still amazes me that the little time we can spend together we can talk endlessly, laugh about almost anything...It has been so long since I had laughed so much and so hard...to really be able to enjoy everyday things, to find the beauty of all...inspired to do or be different not because of him but because I actually can...I wish he could be closer...or that we could have met again many years ago, under different circunstances...but who knows seasons change.

Then by Saturday the hectic search kept going and going and going...After a morning of work I had to pick Granny so she will go the parlor and then search for books. At least I got half of the books and materials...After that I visited the Singer in her new home and the kids got a chance to play and have some fun. While talking with her I made the needed to call to the Neantherthal so he"ll know where I was, but as always no answer...So I decided to head back home just in case...And what I had thought happened he was raging because I got home late without saying anything and he was stuck home??????????? Like if I had tied him to the house..Simply I ignore him explaining my phone call, but of no value...Anyway after doing some schoolwork, I decided to check mail, then the witch showed up, so naturally we started talking..The kids were sleeping, he was watching TV who was I hurting? Well apparently I was being disrespectful, uninterested, cold, unaware of the hurt I was causing him because I was on the net and he was alll alone in his room...I thought WTF????!!!! At almost two am I hear all this yelling, cursing endlessly about my erratic lifestyle, that I dedicate myself to anything but him or the home, that had he known I was going to be like this he would rip off the net and on, and on...Finally by 3 he stopped. And the sunrise was really pretty.

During Sunday morning the school work kept going, plus the laundry, cooking you get the idea...By midday he left to find things to cut the grass.FInally!! But he came back at three to start doing in a rush since he was going out...I didnt realize that he had started, by the I did my baby trees were history...as always...Before saying anything I left to buy the last minute things and got back at 5...Kept with the schoolwork until almost 11..Thankfully the kids had gone to bed early but woke up at 12!!!!! SO until 2 nobody went back to bed...I guess that sometime after 3 I was able to join them but the bell rang at 5 so not much rest...But at least everything was almost ready and we got out in time for school...

Monday passed without much troubles during the day, Lavagirl cried too much but I am hoping for her to get over it and enjoy herself at the new class..Sharkboy seems to be happy lets see for how long....MOnday nigth was maybe the worst of all...After so many nights of little sleep my husband decided that we needed a little chat...Like that would solve anything or be different from others we already had...He feels that I am acussing him or blaming him for all our problems when in fact it is all my fault for being a cold, senseless, bitch who never pays attention to his feelings...It seems I have always abandon him for work, kids, chores and that I dont understand what love really is...that he may not be the best husband or dad but I am an statue incapable of showing no feelings at all...which for him is worst...Yet I am the best thing in his life, without me he is nothing hence why he can not simply let me go??????????????? Endless hours of arguing, accusing, questions, that lead to nowhere since we cant agree on anything...How I am makes him mad but he cant simply accept that it isnt working anymore and that his lifestyle isnt the best for a family...All this nonsense until 3 am...for nothing...just another restless sleepless night full of guilt, anger, hopelessness...

The weekend has ended leaving me desiring for a king sized, bed full of pillows and satin sheets, that should be in the middle of the darkest cave where no sound could be heard..So that I could enjoy the pleasure of a few hours of uninterrupted profund sleep, far, far away from the real world...

Of things forgotten...

2006-08-05T13:19:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I stumbled with a mural...It had a lot of faces in earth tone colors but in between all those things there was something written...Surprisingly for me I recognized it and finish the poem!! One of my favorites when I was in school: A Julia de Burgos...For those who love poetry or at least used to, enjoy:

A JULIA DE BURGOS

Ya las gentes murmuran que yo soy tu enemiga
porque dicen que en verso doy al mundo mi yo.
Mienten, Julia de Burgos. Mienten, Julia de burgos.
La que se alza en mis versos no es tu voz: es mi voz
porque tú eres ropaje y la esencia soy yo; y el más
profundo abismo se tiende entre las dos.

Tú eres fria muñeca de mentira social,
y yo, viril destello de la humana verdad.
Tú, miel de cortesana hipocresías; yo no;
que en todos mis poemas desnudo el corazón.
Tú eres como tu mundo, egoísta;
yo no; que en todo me lo juego a ser lo que soy yo.
Tú eres sólo la grave señora señorona; yo no,
yo soy la vida, la fuerza, la mujer.

Tú eres de tu marido, de tu amo; yo no;
yo de nadie, o de todos, porque a todos, a
todos en mi limpio sentir y en mi pensar me doy.
Tú te rizas el pelo y te pintas; yo no;
a mí me riza el viento, a mí me pinta el sol.
Tú eres dama casera, resignada, sumisa,
atada a los prejuicios de los hombres; yo no;
que yo soy Rocinante corriendo desbocado
olfateando horizontes de justicia de Dios.

Tú en ti misma no mandas;
a ti todos te mandan; en ti mandan tu esposo, tus
padres, tus parientes, el cura, el modista,
el teatro, el casino, el auto,
las alhajas, el banquete, el champán, el cielo
y el infierno, y el que dirán social.
En mí no, que en mí manda mi solo corazón,
mi solo pensamiento; quien manda en mí soy yo.

Tú, flor de aristocracia; y yo, la flor del pueblo.
Tú en ti lo tienes todo y a todos se
lo debes, mientras que yo, mi nada a nadie se la debo.
Tú, clavada al estático dividendo ancestral,
y yo, un uno en la cifra del divisor
social somos el duelo a muerte que se acerca fatal.

Cuando las multitudes corran alborotadas
dejando atrás cenizas de injusticias
quemadas, y cuando con la tea de las siete virtudes,
tras los siete pecados, corran las multitudes,
contra ti, y contra todo lo injusto
y lo inhumano, yo iré en medio de
ellas con la tea en la mano.

Chances...

2006-08-01T22:14:00.000-04:00

There's a chance you will be there
I'd like to know the truth
I'll find it out somehow
The chances aren't too strong
A chance you will be there
Please be there alone
Help me speak of love
Chances aren't enough
One's too good to miss
Chances aren't too strong
A chance is all there is

There's a chance you will be there
Wondering what to do
How to play my role
I'll leave it up to you
If I disguise my smile
It gives too much away
And what if we can't speak
What then shall I say
Don't you be too long
Something has gone wrong
The chances are all gone

Of neantherthals, knigths and lawful evils.......

2006-07-31T13:15:00.000-04:00

Every action or desicion has a consequence..that is a basic concept in life. Once the witch said that I should pay the neantherthal with the same coin, for what he had done..She even suggested an available individual, but the situation felt out of place, since he wasnt looking for a friend but more of a lover...For some the fun of an "other" friend relies in the extra love making,the lust...And of that I have no interest...Could be unbelivable for some but I am not fond of the sex and the lust...I can live without it or at least I dont have those desires......so I am not looking simply to have "fun" with anyone... Hence why after 11 years I have never even thought of taking an action or desicion that would even complicate my hectic life more. The enviroment in my life may not be the best but it didnt motivated me to look outside for redemption...And still I am not looking for it...

Then comes the puzzle of the Riddler...he once was a good friend, one of the few and he even came to be a love...A love that for known and uncertain feelings and circunstances I ripped off of my heart...Still to this day I wonder why? But it is of no use to wander of in the things of the past, for what is done can not be undone...Now by a weird chance of fate, perhaps, we have met again.....Oddly enough the same friendship that once was still exists as if time had not passed...The idea of building that friendship to something even better is very, very tempting...But yet again circunstances around each other are not the best; of that I am quite aware...To build something more than just a friendship many things are to be done, changes have to be embraced and goals fullfilled..But in the same way I cant ignore how much his friendship means, and I cant simply let that be lost once more....A friendship I intend to keep no matter what...

If I would let my lawful evil arise, I would pursue against all odds that which I left...for it had been one of the happiest moments in my life...Without thinking about who would suffer, how anything could be destroyed, just simply pursue my interests...just simply follow what I may want or envision...For once do as I please with all the carelesness of the world...But it is at bay, no matter what others may think or may belive to see...Too much is at stake, so desicions arent to be taken lightly or rushed...

Only time will tell

2006-07-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

I shouldnt be writting...I am wayyyyy pissed but some say that this is a way of letting go of all feelings, soooo...I cant be in a bad mood forever...can I?

It seems that on this side of the island sleep depravation is a mode of living...Most of the people I know or work around arent able to indulge in of life's greates pleasures: sleep...I am very fond of it really, but lately is like an skill that you have to relearn...Or simply I get into the energizer bunny mode and simply cant stop doing things around...Which in the other hand is useless since one may fix things on one side and by the time I am ending everything is all messed up again..And the little times that I think everything seems to be ok, someone critic comes up pointing how bad everything is...For once could people simply FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFF?????????!!!!
If I wasnt doing anything at all I would understand it, but damn they have this art of fucking ones life in an instant...Just like the witch, her lair's life was really fucked up this week. I still cant understand why the hell????? I guess with her it applies the saying of "who loves you most will make you suffer" I just wish they would hate her more so she could have a little peace for once...I am sorry I cant be of much help, but it really sucks...

By the way Groundel I do miss hanging out with you..Hope you enjoyed the cheese cake and that for next year things may be brighter in your birthday!!!!!

Life is still in most aspects the same...The Dark Angel dreams of changing, but still flies around the same places and people..as always he is never here and if he is the gates of hell open to unleash all loose...Then the redemption...the imposed redemption..Someday I would have to decide which is worse or easier to handle; although time allows to accept and withstand anything...

May a change of winds finally come? Hard to say, sometimes it may seem they are gentle and sweet but others...

A few weeks ago I found a lost friend. I had forgotten all that we shared, how fun it was...how happy I used to feel..It has been a refreshing spirit that has brought a hint of joy..of possiblities forgotten...of dreams...It would be nice to have this ghost around, even if it is every now and then...The witch already posted her warning, which I accept and in some ways I will follow for she is right...But once she also said that I should pay with the same coin...It isnt my intention to seek something for revenge, but simply because it may lift my spirits and reclaim something I once had...Maybe it is a mistake, maybe it isnt what I hope, maybe its just a game,maybe its true...but how will I ever know??

Changes are like chances...they may happen once or never at all, it depends on us to embrace them and grow...

For the love of Puppy...

2006-07-18T11:45:00.000-04:00

I have had for the last 16 years a beautiful friend, who like a true friend has been there unconditionally. In all of my sleepless nights he has waited for me to fall asleep, he has comforted me whenever I cried my heart out...The idea of loosing him is unbearable but I know that it may happen at any moment. I have to cherish this free years God has allowed him to stay with me, plus be content for all he has given me..But still it will not be easy...Love you always P.

Long lost

2006-07-13T13:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes something happens that makes you wonder why, how, when...things changed so much that you lost something in the way. But the wondering of all those questions is somehow useless since time moves on changing everything and everyone along the way. For some it may seem that lurking into the past may clarify what has happened or even heal some wounds, but... is it possible to heal? Wounds turn into scars that are reminders of what once was and no longer is...Everpresent, tangible reminders of the demons that we all carry and held in place...

The past is just the past, a beautiful memory of what was...No real thing can arise from a memory, only a dream of what was to fill an emotion lost in time...

Parks and dreams....

2006-07-10T12:34:00.000-04:00

The weekend was full of surprises...Saturday was the best day, it was hectic but I got a chance to stay at the beautiful park and watch many falling stars...It's been ages...But everything has to end, dreams dont last forever...so by Sunday I was back to the real world...The dream of the park is so peaceful, filling the heart with hope...

Once upon a midnigth dreary....

2006-07-10T11:39:00.000-04:00

It is almost midnight and I am walking across shadows in the street. Not a living soul can be seen. Everyone is safe within their home, secure in the knowledge that their sons and daughters are sleeping in their beds and that they are safe within their locked doors. A complete silence marks my passing and I feel like a ghost, ethereal and without substance, yet I can still feel the cold of the night in my unprotected skin. I keep walking until finally I reach the entrance of an unnamed park. No light posts exist and as a result the park is covered in total darkness. During the day the park is bristling with activity from children playing and laughing. However, at night the park is blanketed in complete and utter darkness. The same people who came during the day now avoid the park as if it was creature of evil that may hide unspeakable horrors within. Like a wolf’s maw that would bite any innocent soul that crosses its path during the night, it is avoided by all during the nighttime hours.

I however walk within its outer limits. The deeper I go the darker it becomes and as a result, my mind begins to compensate for the lack of visual information. Trees that during the day are lush with vegetation now look menacingly upon me as the intruder that I was. I can hear things move yet I cannot see them. At some point I reach the center of the park. On it I find a small bench made of stone enough for me to lay flat on it and look at the sky. I am surrounded by darkness and it’s a little bit frightening. I, however and perhaps against common sense close my eyes.

And wait. And wait.

Slowly, I open my eyes and see a beauty that I could not have seen from the safety of my house or during my walk to reach the park. I see the night sky in all its glory, with stars twinkling messages to each other, planets shining defiantly and from time to time… a falling star. I feel at peace and for the moment being my troubles seem to vanish.

By: EHM

Neverending story...

2006-07-01T13:15:00.000-04:00

Where to start? Yesterday the witch started ranting because I am irresponsible in taking care of a tortoise who appeared in my home and because I dont understand the nature of cats, as they are what they are and I recklessly let anything happen in my home...And then all that ranting was directed to my even more lousy self because I let everybody do as they please destroying all in their path, I have no personality, no life of my own because I am only a simple breeeder of kids who only talks about children and have no future or hope...I think that about sums all it up...No, also I destroyed Groundels life and in turn I will be destroying hers plus I "concealed" and agreement between Groundel and me..no, no thats such a nice word I created a mirage to protect the LIE that Groundel said and in the process I am also a liar...
Well, if and only in the if world that should be the case, I wonder what may be worst: not talking about a matter that doesnt concern you and that you havent asked about, or being a nice hiprocitical self, talking to me as if nothing bothers you and then revealing your true feelings of now and of long time? It seems that your so called true friend is for you a wortless, lying, unsuccsesfull, unprepared, irresponsible,careless someone that has no life and exist only to make you see everyday how perfect you think you are..And if that is the case then how could you ever consider me a friend, wich leads me to another interesting matter: trusting openly.....Do you really know the meaning of that? Because as I recall trusting openly in YOUR TERMS means telling about everything of all aspects in life, something you have never done with me. All your troubles with G or Coriolis or Groundel I am last to know the real details and, do I go around proclaiming that you never shared that with me? NO, NO, NO... How do I know about the tiny details? ... well some Coriolis told me, others have a way of coming and going and I have never made a Crusade out of the things that you have never shared with others and not with me, WHY? BECAUSE YOU MUST HAVE HAD YOUR REASONS !!!!! BECAUSE A FRIEND SHOULD UNDERSTAND AND BE THERE FOR SUPPORT, HELP AND CARE WITH ALL THE BEAUTIFULL THINGS AND ALL THE FLAWS....BUT IN THE END YOU HAVE NEVER REALLY TRUSTED ME OPENLY...wow what a small little world...

Evenmore, our friendship is of so little value that you care not if I ever speak to you again, because as always you must have your say and way, and nothing else matters. But I wonder do you care to talk to me?....Problaby not, this is your way of throwing me out but blaming me in the process..Was this one of your so called plans to make your perfect life even more perfect? Anyway, what's there to talk about? The differences are as great as an abyss and there will never be a bridge big enough to unite both sides...

Frankly if I didnt say anything about the matter because as I said, it didnt concern you as all your bussiness matters do not concern me; the choices you make are yours to deal with, so are mine. But this is a chapter that shall never be touched again since it revealed a greater truth, that after all these years: I am meaningless nothing in your life and we have wasted both of our time and love.

Reunions and more

2006-06-12T15:02:00.000-04:00

In old times people thougth that the full moon made persons crazy, or at least do crazy things...In many ways it may somehow affect us as it affects nature...This weekend, although had a beautiful moon to simply lay down and look at it, was a terrible one, since moods were as hot as the climate and unexpected as a ride in the rollercoster...Good and all the wrong things happened, from relaxing and happy Fridays to heated evenings with heated moods.....so I decidedf or the easy exit...turn the air condition ON and watch movies and SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP ALLLLLLL afternoon.... A luxury not enjoyed since...hey I cant remember!!??
Anyway, lazy time happens fast and so Monday has arrived...back to the dreaded ringing phone...never ending request for approvals and sickness...Trying to escape I started reading my mail and found a weird message announcing a get together for my high school class??????What???? After all these years they rememberd that the class was a group of 90 something instead of the privileged group of 20 or so...At first I thougth What the fuck???, then came the why not...but rigth behind it was the I dont give a fuck since I never had any sort of friendship with any of them..so what's the use in meeting with a bunch of strangers that went with you at school but never ever talked/made friends with you...specially if you see them in the street and they simply turn their heads..BUt is even better if you say HI and the hipocritical mode turns on...Most of them wont even remember me so why should I remember them?
My life in school was ok, I enjoyed watching others lives happen while I did what I wanted...I used to regret being there since I felt that I didnt belong but I was happy to have the learning oportunities that I had, and getting to know those teachers that really made learning a part of life...If in any case I would like to meet again with them...that made everyday a wild ride...

Back again...

2006-06-05T17:12:00.001-04:00

I thougth that I would be able to post more but...a blog is as dreadfull as a normal journal...too open, everybody can look into your ideas, fears and dreams...But there is only one life to live and every oportunity should be taken. I hid in shadows most of my high school life, afraid of letting anything in at all...The witch knows...And after all these years, I am still inside the fortress...

Just now I found that most likely my mom has breast cancer.... Still I dont know how aggressive it may be, but either way is a really scary situation since it is a death sentence in most cases...Cancer has always been a BIG presence since my grandmother, aunts, cousin have suffered from it...or died by it...I am scared for her since she started a new life a few months ago...and finding this now is devastating...I would love to cry my heart out because the pain is so great but I think how scared she is rigth now that what I feel is nothing compared to hers...And at the same time I wonder if I would be in her place a few years from now? I just hope I have the strenght to help her get through all that lies ahead...

Back again...

2006-06-05T17:12:00.000-04:00

Gone in 60 seconds

2006-05-22T09:33:00.000-04:00

Finally the weekend came...and its already over...On Friday V took us to Caña Gorda, marvelous place, has everything to enjoy a wonderfull day at the beach...Both kids loved it!!! V says that I got an hour os silence and rest, for me it looked like 10 minutes but it was worth it...I would love to go back next saturday. The rest of the weekend went as always: work until late afternoon, pick kids up, cooking, laundry..whatever...Yesterday Groundel and Vierna came requesting a cheesecake and brought a dvd: The Wig...A cool asian movie...unlike americans who look for the unnatural in monsters, spirits or aliens, asians look for horror in the everyday things..even Lava girl was hooked into it..At least was good way to end the weekend.

The roller coster ride

2006-05-18T09:34:00.000-04:00

For all those out there thinking, the bad times have been low mostly because of guilt, lost ambitions, endless regrets and unfullfilled ideas...Vierna would say that it is all a matter of stop wyining and get it over, BITCH!!... but of all people she should know that it is not THAT easy... The strenght to do it would be there but the will...ahhh... the precious will is the one that abandons and laughs at you...People always say that when there is a will there is a way...It is completely true, since when the blues arrive you have no will or desire and you are entangled in the arms of Carelessness...And sometimes it is even worst when you deny everything you feel and blind yourself from the reality...
It is been years that I have been ignoring many things, thinking that I had accepted them when in reality I didnt...My sons troubles are what have been consuming my lifeforce all of these years...I cared only to look for something to do to help...Doctors, therapists, pei's, behavior plans, evaluations, meds but I never truly accepted how he is...I was always told to change him so he would be like everybody else...should he? I know his behavior is odd, making him stand out and at the same time be apart of everyone...The first years he didnt care but now it is a big matter because he is able to understand the rejection... Vierna is mad because all I talk about is about my kids...May be true, but being unable to actually do something to help him has lead me to that...For some his situation may be my own fault because he does what he does to manipulate me or others...?????? If that would be true wouldnt he had stop bangging his head years ago? What about the idea of killing himself or others because that is what he likes or loves? Wouldnt you love to see him walk up and down shaking his hands and talking to himself non stop? He is in some ways better but other times he gives a 360 turn around for the worst.....

Add to that not finishing a degree, having to actually pay someone to talk about the kids troubles knowing that I wouldnt bother him, no space saving life, no time for hobbies, movies, internet, little money, no help with kids, a six day work week, a dad in denial, a very limited amount of friens, no social life....No wonder I had 2 jobs before....plus the housework, my loving cats and dogs...It just hit me hard and I couldnt take it any more...One day I went to my son's Healer...telling him that after many months of my usual insomnia I started hating everybody around me...My home, job, even my kids...all I ever wanted was to get far away....and leave everything...So a potion was given....working wonders but I cant relay on it forever....So I decided to store the potion for other times...Without it there are good, bad and horrible days I'll see how it goes...Well this is way too long I should save some for the next time...

The younglings....

2006-05-18T09:11:00.000-04:00

Finally I am able to start posting pictures!!!!!!!!!
I am soooooooo behind in all of this techno stuff.....it sucks....I feel like I am a hundred years behind....but better late than never right?
This is how Lava Girl and Shark boy looked like...a few years ago...She was two at the time and he was 7...They have changed a lot since...

Never ending story..

2006-05-10T12:47:00.000-04:00

I am back in the cycle of I dont give, sleepless nights, not wanting to do anything whatsoever...................Plus at work the lawful evil that lies within is ramping loose...Also ghosts from the past are haunting....

Back again...

2006-04-10T14:58:00.000-04:00

I feel like an undead trying to get out of his tomb...Since Saturday I have been sick on and off, without being able to rest properly...Lava Girl and Shark boy have been up and around since early plus the hounds are restless too...Saturday wasnt what I had hoped since I have no $$$$$ and wanted to give Vierna a good bday but as always not possible...Sunday was better since I woke up feeling a little better and by the afternoon I got a break from my endless lists and went with Vierna and Groundel to the new place...It may need a lot of work but it is great!!! The silence and the view are precious...Today I am at work feeling sick again, not able to talk, needing a huge king sized bed full of pillows and a great dose of advil/zyrtec...But that is never happening...

Beginings....

2006-04-04T12:20:00.000-04:00

Exposing ideas is an area on which I am no expert...I have never been fond of writting or at least put thoughts in black and white....I remember staring at my pen waiting for it to do all the work, unable to give all my ideas expression or life..But that was long ago....Anyway, the idea is to change, right? Well at least I have started...Its a long road ahead....